Barking orders takes on new meaning

Here’s something to look forward to in 2027. A scientist at DeVry University claims that you will be able to have a conversation with your dog in about 10 years.

I can imagine one of the first things your dog might tell you is, “Hey, how about getting me a doggie dish for some water? Drinking out of a toilet is not exactly like drinking from the fountain of youth. And as long as we are on the subject of what goes into my stomach, the latest treat you gave me taste a lot like that squirrel head I was munching on last week. I wouldn’t have to eat squirrels heads if you fed me a decent diet. Squirrel head has a lot of cholesterol content, so don’t you like me? And this next request is important so please take note.

“Can I encourage you to introduce me to other dogs by their names? I would just as soon not use my nose in certain places to identify who I’m meeting. Your fancy dance cocktail parties would not be so elegant if you had the same greeting practice that I and other friends of mine have to deal with. Over and out for now. I have a cat to chase.”

¯ An official nominating committee has registered Dwayne Johnson for president in 2020. Who’s Dwayne Johnson? The second highest paid actor in Hollywood, that’s who. You may remember him as the wrestler known as The Rock. Why not a wrestler for Prez? It’s no more ridiculous than the frauds that rule the roost in D.C. now. At least you know a vote for The Rock is a vote for a phony.

Once he’s elected, his cabinet could be filled with his former comrades inside the ropes. How about Andre The Giant for the Secretary of Treasury? Four more years of routine debt buildup and we’ll need a giant to handle it.

For Secretary of Health and Human Services with a few more years of absurd health plans and dealings developed by the unequaled minds that gave us, “we need to pass the bill in order to find out what’s in it”, the perfect Secretary of this position would be The Undertaker.

With another decade of Common Core curriculum structures, the evolution of mathematics instruction will be impossible to follow. So for The Chairman of our Education Department, let’s have the leadership of Abdullah the Butcher.

The Department of Defense should be run by a guy who would get the attention of those Russian nasties so we need the arch villain Randy Savage.

How can we not appoint someone who will enforce a more aggressive search regimen before you board a plane? Let’s hear it for, ” OK, grandma, let’s remove that girdle and get ready for a thorough strip search on the order from Homeland Security Secretary Rick Rude.

¯ Now that Bill Clinton isn’t the husband of the POTUS (President of the United States), he’s not getting too many offers to give a speech for half a million bucks. I may become his agent, so we have a new payment schedule where you can hire Bubba for a pittance of what he might have been worth. For $5 you can get the former prez to give the Gettysburg Address. That would include a free chicken dinner, of course. For $7.50 he will give you the “We Shall Fight On The Beaches” speech from World War II. For $8.50 he will deliver “I Have A Dream” speech. And for 30 pieces of silver, you can have the Sermon on The Mount.

¯ Here’s further proof that the Clintons are on my mind. According to an article in the Atlantic magazine, Hillary Clinton is toying with the idea of becoming a Methodist minister. Hey, why not?

We’re all sinners and Hillary is certainly familiar with a good list of them so she may be a very impactful pastor of a church. My fabulous research staff, who can dig up anything that I assign them to uncover, got a copy of Hillary’s version of the 10 Commandments. Upon examination, my conclusion is that she could have quite an interesting church. Here they are in all their strangeness. Moses must be rolling over laughing. Here are the 10 Commandments of the once labeled, “smartest woman in the world.”

Commandment 1. You shall not have false Gods to worship. I’ll tell you what’s worse than that. Thou shall not think that you’re God when there are naive, doofus-faced, blue-dressed interns around to believe that line of malarkey that you are a God.

2. You shall not make idols to worship. Amen to that. If anybody puts up a bust of Bill Clinton, let Pastor Hillary know about it and she will personally take a hammer to it.

3. You shall not use the name of the Lord in vain. When you catch your cheating husband in a lie, use profanities that have no connection to God.

4. Keep the Sabbath Day holy. If you need to rip your husband a new one, save it for Monday through Friday. Don’t ruin your weekend.

5. Honor your father and mother. Take note you sinners; God didn’t say that you have to honor your lying- weasel of a husband.

6. You shall not murder. That’s great advice. Make it look like your husband had an accident or he was a victim of an act of involuntary manslaughter.

7. You shall not commit adultery. Use another means of getting even with that lying reprobate that shares your home. Refer to commandment six.

8. You shall not steal. Do it the D.C. way. Set up a phony foundation and get people to donate to it for the honorable purposes of “bringing world peace and helping the poor.” Then you get some suckers to pay your husband half a million for a phony- baloney speech because they think his wife is going to become President.

9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor. If you do get caught “spinning the truth”, acid-wash your hard drive, hammer your electronic devices into dust, delete the emails, and tell the world to bug off because they’re private discussions about yoga and your daughter’s wedding.

10. Do not covet your neighbor’s servants, goods, and riches. If you set up your phony foundation right, thy brethren will covet you.

Can I get an Amen?

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of each month.

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