Trump’s latest effort for universal appeal
Scientists are planning on sending a message into space to any aliens that maybe out there hoping to receive a message from us, the cool occupants of the earth. Not to be outdone by any nerdy scientist, President Trump has prepared the following message from him and the “great again America,” Here it is:
“Hello and greetings from the most fantastic and tremendous country on the planet earth. I am contacting you aliens from America, Greetings to you Klingons, Martians, Venus guys, or whatever else you call yourselves. America is becoming great again. Even though we are not as great as we are going to be, we are still the greatest country on earth and compared to us, all other countries are losers. Big league losers.
“You aliens who receive this message, I hope if you visit the earth sometime that you will be nice to us because America is nice. If you treat us nice, we will treat you nice. But if you don’t treat us nice, you will find out what fire and fury is all about. I can guarantee you that you won’t like it. Just ask Little Rocket Man from North Korea who might find out real soon.
“I am the President of America because I beat a crooked opponent named Hillary who has to be an alien from another planet if there ever was one. She’s a terrible woman in many ways and a big league loser who still can’t accept the fact that she lost big time to me.
“Being President of America makes me the most powerful man on earth which is a tremendous honor. That’s because America has the most powerful weapons on earth and I hold the trigger. So if you aliens have any idea of attacking us, you will be met with fire and fury like you’ve never seen. You will be left with the smoldering wreck of a space ship and you aren’t going to get home. Believe me, you will regret the day you fired your ray gun in anger against any American. So don’t try to come here and think you’re going to rule us.Come here to be our friends and you’ll have a fantastic visit.
“If you come to the earth, you will see some magnificent, fabulous, incredible structures. There’s the Trump Tower in New York, Trump Tower in Chicago, Mar a Lago in Florida, my fantastic wife Melania, and fabulous daughter Ivanka. Just try to avoid crooked Hillary and you’ll be OK. We have the most beautiful women in the universe and if you think you’re going to date them, you’ll meet fire and fury like you’ve never seen. So keep your hands off, or tentacles or claws, or whatever you aliens have to drive your space ships.
“We have a lot of fabulous things here on earth but there’s one thing we have that is horrible besides Crooked Hillary. It’s fake news. So if you do come here, we will let you use your ray guns on NBC, CNN, MSNBC and a whole lot of media guys. You can zap um and the earth will be a much greater place again.
“One more thing. I hope you guys are super intelligent beings because I sure could use some help down here. The bunch of morons running our congress right now aren’t getting anything done. What’s congress you say? That’s a group of people who come to Washington for awhile, mess things up big league , and then get jobs to make millions by selling out millions of other people.
“I know Mr. Spock on Star Trek was a pretty bright guy and he was a Vulcan. I don’t necessarily want Vulcans in America but here’s the art of the deal. We’ll trade you a smart Mr. Spock for a Crooked Hillary. And we’ll take five more Vulcans if you take James Comey, Robert Mueller, Colon Kaepernick, Morning Joe and the entire NFL In fact, we’ll take 1,000 Vulcans if you just get Scotty to beam Crooked Hillary up and out of here.
“Here’s our new chant to make America great again so listen up. Instead of, “Lock her up, Lock her up,” we shout “Beam her up, Beam her up.”
“One more thing. Do you guys have a belly button?
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She’s the gift that just keeps on giving. I am referring to Hillary Clinton, the once smartest woman in the world. Maybe she still is despite her nonsense. She’s now out promoting her new book that explains why she lost the election. Not enough votes is the simple answer so save your money. But if you would like to meet her and get her new book, that would cost you a mere $2,500 or so.
Part of the promotion of the “meet and greet” is that she promises to be ” surprisingly funny.”
Save your bucks because I have here part of her “funny schtick” as they say in comedic circles. Hillary’s personal assistant Huma Abedin will be there to assist her when she needs assistance. From all reports, Hillary needs a good deal of assistance especially when it comes to destroying thousands of emails.
How will Huma assist Hillary on her book tour gig to bring smiles and laughter? It will be with a drum. When Hillary delivers her wicked one liner to be surprisingly funny, Huma will beat the drum with the comedic rift “ba- rump bump.”
As you will notice Hillary’s routine will remind you a good deal of the iconic comedian Rodney Dangerfield who always complained that he got no respect.
Here’s her opening line: “My cheating +–*&^+ husband Bill was so ugly as a little boy, his mother tied a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him,” (Ba- rump bump. )
You know my reprobate husband Bill? He was so ugly as a baby that his mother breast fed him through a straw. Hit it Huma, (Ba-rump bump.)
My degenerate husband Bill came from a really stupid family. His uncle Bubba was so stupid that during the Civil War, he fought for the west. (Ba-rump bump.)
My unfaithful, good-for-nothing, husband had a real health scare last month. The doctor told him he had 6 months to live. When Bill heard that, he told the doctor that he wanted a second opinion, so the doctor told him, “OK, you’re ugly, too.” (Ba-rump bump.)
My despicable husband Bill was so ugly that when he worked in a pet shop as a kid, the customers would ask the owner, “how big does he get.” (Ba-rump bump.)
You’re welcome, my gentle readers. I just saved you $2,500. Ba-rump bump!
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears on the second Sunday of each month. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org