Offices and objects of desire

Here’s a New Year’s resolution. Let’s help Hillary Clinton find a country where she can call herself Madame President. The poor lady desperately wants that title. Hillary expressed that desire during an interview on “Now This,” which is an online news outlet (true).

If an earth-nation doesn’t work out, her fantasy even extends to where she would be the president of a place in space called Earth Two. Obviously, she’ll take anything.

Hillary is too much fun to lose to another planet but, according to my research staff, these are the campaign promises, with which, she plans on blessing Earth Two.

Apparently, as you’ll see upon reading them, she has incorporated the technique that was employed by her political opponent in 2016. I guess the thinking is, If they worked for him, why not use them on Earth Two. After all, Hillary was once called the smartest woman on the planet so it might even extend to the entire universe.

“Hello, Earth Two creatures, and I call you creatures because I love creatures especially you Earth Twoians. I am so happy to be here on Planet II and away from Earth One which is inhabited by deplorable earthlings. When I become president of this planet, we will become the real Onenians and we will be new winners. We will no longer be in second place to anybody in this galaxy. You Twoians will get tired of winning. You’ll be saying to me, Hillary, you are like a really smart genius, a stable genius, I can’t take anymore winning. Slow up, there’s just too much winning here on Planet Two.”

“You know that Jedi Death Star out there in space? It’ll look like a junk heap compared to the Twoian Freedom Star that we’re going to build.

You know that Starship Enterprise that crooked Captain Kirk and his crooked buddy Mr. Spock would fly around in? We’ll make their warp drive look like a snail, something left over from an old worn out “Star Wars” movie. We will leave it in a wake of stardust when we plow by it when we boldly go where no Twoian has gone before.

“So I ask for your vote. Vote for me as I plan to make Earth Two great again. Earth Two will no longer be a dumping ground for illegal aliens from everywhere in the universe. They have taken advantage of us for centuries but no more. We’re going to build a “wall” to keep out any illegal Klingons, Grabons, Pileons, Hangerons, or whatever else may come to Earth Two that I’ll make great again.

But that wall that I just mentioned will not be a wall of stone and steel. We will have a deflector field around Earth Two like no other. We will keep out any and all illegal space aliens. And we will make the Klingons pay for it. It will be the most beautiful deflector field in all the universe. We will keep out the losers that other planets now send to Earth Two as we become winners and they are losers.

And speaking of losers, my opponent makes Chewbacca look like George Clooney’s twin brother.

Finally, here’s my campaign wish for you and for all the peace-loving Twoians. May the Force Be with you.

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If you love planet stories, and who doesn’t, here’s another one. Scientists have discovered that the earth has a humming sound. They say it hums at a wavelength between 2.9 and 4.5 millihertz’s. This is quite a low hum but 4.1 is one of my favorite millihertzes.

My phenomenal research staff has discovered evidence that the earth hums differently dependent on the site of the hum. Under Washington D.C. the tune that the earth is humming sounds a lot like “Your Cheatin Heart.”

Near the Manhattan apartment of Huma Abedin, the former personal assistant to Hillary Clinton, who transferred classified emails to her husband’s computer, you can hear a pretty loud hum of “Jailhouse Rock.”

The State of California has followed in the footsteps of Colorado in making recreational marijuana legal. So this is what you hear humming under you as you walk around Malibu: “Rocky Mountain High.”

Listen closely when you walk near Matt Lauer and Harvey Weinstein. You’ll hear the hum of “We Belong Together.”

Here’s the hum beneath the Hollywood sign on the slopes of L.A. “Another One Bites the Dust.”

And finally, When Donald Trump walks into a room, much to the dismay of the deep state, the sound you can hear coming through the rocks is “I Will Survive.”

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Marist College has released their annual poll of the most annoying words and terms. Once again, more Americans have chosen the most annoying word as “whatever.”

Boy oh boy, am I out of step with the mainline American on what is annoying. Whatever.

I’ve got my own list of words that are much more annoying. How about these? Collusion-Trump-deep state- swamp- meddling-Hillary-Bill-hacking-Muellar-special counsel-MSNBC-CNN-Fox-Lauer-Franken-Harvey-Pelosi-Schumer-Putin-Obama-Russians-Kim Jong Un-safe space-snowflake-NFL- Kaepernick-Hollywood-shadow government-conspiracy-and finally, whew, I almost forgot-Kardashians. If you don’t agree with my list-whatever.

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I am embarrassed that I missed this event and now that you’re aware of it, you will be too. You don’t have crack research staff as I do, so a reprimand for you is not in order. You have an excuse but I never sent a card of congratulations this past June 4, to a 37-year-old woman from San Francisco named Erika La Tour. She got married to the Eiffel Tower. Erika and 39 other women around the world are known as OS’ers; women who are Objectually-Sexually attracted. In other words, they are unusually attracted to objects other than a new pair of shoes. For example, another 59-year-old woman Eija Mauer was married to the Berlin Wall for 29 years. Does that mean on their 25th wedding anniversary the two of them exchanged bricks instead of something silver?

This strange fetish for objects raises a question. What if two women, unbeknownst to each other, both marry the Grand Canyon. Is that legal? Does that make the marriage legitimate if two women are married to the same object? Does that make the Grand Canyon a bigamist, or in the case of that rather large hole in the ground, a hugeamist(groan). Actually, this isn’t all that strange. I know of a woman who is in love with a local store, but I don’t believe it has yet led to an official marriage.

My research staff dug into the background of Mrs. Erika Eiffel Tower and discovered a rather saucy history. As a young prepubescent young lady, she had a crush on the Washington Monument. At 16 years of age, Erika had an sweetheart relationship with a water tower. As she entered her 20s she moved onto a love affair with a cell tower which she would make love calls to frequently.

Erika then matured her romantic appetites into a serious love with a wind turbine that became a salacious spin through the world of love. The word is out that if the Eiffel Tower leaves her, a return to a future Arkwright windmill may be in her sights.

One of the low points in Erika’s life of romance was the breakup that occurred with the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Apparently the lean was a flaw in the tower that she could not overlook.

The CN Tower in Toronto called to her in 2007 but its beauty was not enough for her to leave her beloved America again.

In 2011 she suffered a great love loss when the Trump Tower dumped her. That torrid affair ended like many others who have fallen into infatuations with that Manhattan sex symbol.

My hope for 2018 is that Erika and the Eiffel Tower have many years of marital bliss and perhaps the presence of tiny girders.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears on the second Sunday of each month in the OBSERVER. Send comments to editorial