Putting our best face on pets, potatoes

Are you looking for a pet to snuggle with on a cold winter night? Well how about considering adopting a 2,500-pound buffalo? Sounds ridiculous?

You can probably get one at Northern Chautauqua Huge Monstrous Bovine Rescue Mission. Well, there really ain’t such a place here in God’s Garden of Western New York but there might be one in Texas.

A married couple in Texas has one who lives in their house. He’s called Wild Thing even though he comes inside where he has his own room to watch TV action films.. I imagine Wild Thing’s favorite action films involve human beings scrambling to vacate a house when a 2,500-pound buffalo comes indoors to watch TV.

If we do decide to get a buffalo for a pet, we will probably start with a 1500 pounder. Looking at our doorways, I think a 2,500 would need a buffalo horn to squeeze through. When I’m in the middle of watching my favorite show, and Wild Thing wanted to change rooms, I don’t want to have to get up and shoehorn him through.

Wild Thing also likes to eat his breakfast with his owners. They must have a huge table to hold a bale of hay with eggs and bacon. Obviously, with WT eating breakfast next to you, it could be dangerous to get him agitated by a dish of steak and eggs. That steak could be a beloved cousin.

One of my main concerns with a buffalo in the house is the toilet training thingy. How big is the litter box for a buffalo? It seems like Wild Thing might need about a ton of litter a week.

Is there a leash law for buffalo in Fredonia.? I can imagine getting an unpleasant call from a neighbor, “Hey, Nin, come and get your buffalo. He’s in my backyard again trying to use my kid’s sand box for a toilet.”

I think with all things considered, we’ll stick with a bird feeder.

¯ Former NFL running back Arian Foster has tweeted on his Twitter account that he believes he could beat a wolf in a one-on-one fight. I could probably do that, too, if you give me a gun that shoots from a long, long ways away, but I think Arian is talking about hand-to-paw confrontation. Foster says since a wolf doesn’t have any thumbs to grab him and Foster does have thumbs, he has an advantage over the wolf. I guess he disregards that huge mouth of teeth advantage that the wolf has can turn him into fleshy confetti. I bet any wolf that I would fight would eventually have my thumbs probably for a midnight snack and use the bones to pick his teeth clean.

¯ I can hardly go through a day without hearing that so and so got “thrown under the bus.” Many in politics seem to be getting “thrown under the bus.” Can you recall the first person to end up under the bus? It’s Eve.

You remember how God told Adam to not eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eve did so, Then so did Adam, and when Adam was explaining to God how he and Eve ended up with fit leave to cover up their new found nakedness, Adam tried to save his own skin and told God, “It was that woman you gave me.”

Mark Antony offered the crown to Caesar three times and that finally triggered his “friend” Brutus to betray him. As the other guys are stabbing the uppitty Caesar , Brutus joined in and we remember the famous last words of Caesar, “Under the chariot, Et tu Brutus?”

Hillary Clinton loses the election and what does she do? Does she take the fall? Nope. She and her supporters throw Trump, Vladimir Putin, and the Russians under the troika.

¯ Speaking of our Commander in Chief, did you know that Donald Trump is the first President in 150 years who doesn’t have a pet? You’d think he’d love to have a dog so he could hire Rosie O’Donnell to walk it. Couldn’t you just see the smile on his face saying, “LOSER” as they gather the leash and heads for the Washington Monument with Fido. Does anybody name their dog Fido anymore?

Actually, President Trump is just simply too unconventional and tough a guy to have a typical dog for a pet. I can’t see the Donald sitting around with a little fluffy yappie chihuahua on his lap as he plots war on his enemies like Dr. Evil?

I think he needs a manly man’s pet at each of his residences. Sitting in the Oval Office with a vulture on his shoulder would be a start. Or he could take the White House’s gardens started by Michelle Obama, you know that pansy eco-friendly nonsense and dig a pond for a huge crocodile with a voracious appetite. Then he could invite that huge annoyance Chuck Schumer for lunch. Chuck would realize a bit too late in the meeting that he is the invited lunch for the croc.

Mar A Lago in Florida could be equipped with a komodo dragon. They are known to eat anything including rotted flesh. That would be a handy trait for his meeting with Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, the ladies of “The View;” and all the members of “fake news.” Komo the Dragon could feast upon these tasty dessert tidbits and then lay around all afternoon in the Florida sun trying to get over a bad stomachache.

¯ A research firm under contract with NASA has determined that potatoes have a good chance of being grown on Mars. Well, after reading that, sign me up, ” Mars ahoy.” I’m ready to be launched with my hoe, rake, and watering can. What more incentive can one have to leave earth but to grow potatoes on Mars? I can see other Marsonauts coming into a fast food place on Mars and ordering mashed potatoes. Then the kid behind the counter would ask, ” And would you like to have some fries with that?”

Little Johnny Marsonaut comes home from school and asks, ‘Hey, Mom, what’s for dinner?” The answer of course is, “Potatoes.”

“But, Mom, I had potatoes for breakfast and lunch.”

“Yeah, so what, you’re on Mars kiddo and your having potato soup, filet of potato with potato sauce, potato salad, potato cake and potato frosting for dessert.” If you don’t like it go tell it to your father Mr. Potatohead.”

If potatoes can grow on Mars, can kale be far behind? That stuff can only have originated on a place like Mars. Kale seeds probably drifted through space and seeded itself here on earth.

Kale cannot be a product of a Godly designed earth. Perhaps it was the byproduct of the Fall. You remember how it went in Eden, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God promised them problems. To Eve he said she would give birth to children in pain, sorrow, and travail. and travail is what really gets you. To Adam, because he ate fruit of the wrong Tree, he was promised thistles, thorns, and worst than thistles and thorns, woe be unto you, Adam, you will eat kale.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of the month.