Humor: About those superpowers …Nothing but the hole truth
Those darn Russians are at it again. I had written a major piece of incredible literature for this July but they meddled and now you’re stuck with what follows instead. Sorry but I tried.
¯ Hillary Clinton is now on her blame tour signaling out everybody else for her defeat to the Trumpster. She has blamed FBI Director James Comey, The Evil Vladimir Putin and thousands of Russian agents, Wikileaks, sexism, and now she has even blamed fake news people in Macedonia. Macedonia? Yup. Hillary went on to explain why the Macedonians went after her. “Big deal, I made fun of their capital one time so I guess they can’t take a joke. I said that their capital city Skopje sounds like it’s something you’d scrape of the bottom of your shoe after you stepped in it. Get over it, Macedonia.”
Not only is Macedonia a target but my research staff has found indications that the next country she will soon blame is Italy. Hillary once declared that she liked Andy Williams more than she liked Frank Sinatra and ever since then, Italians hate her. Wikileaks revealed an email where she called Frank a little Mafia twerp who would have had no career except for his goombah Don Corleone. She said that Andy’s song “Moon River” is the greatest song ever recorded and that Frank singing “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” made her skin crawl. Because of that the fake news guys in Italy, the few who know how to spell, she said,, helped rig the election in favor of Donald Corleone Trump.
My phenomenal research staff has also discovered that she’s about to blame George Washington and the Founding Fathers for their failures. According to Hillary, she blames them for creating a flawed Constitution. The major flaw is that the Constitution should have included an amendment that automatically makes the wife of a cheating, no good reprobate President, the succeeding President after that bum leaves office.
¯ Despite the fact that millions of tourists will not be coming to Fredonia to see a fence around Barker Commons, at least hundreds did come to experience an exciting substitute provided by the U.S. Postal Service.
I survived the U.S.Postal Service Canyon Ride many times before it was closed for repairs. You could have experienced the trip of a lifetime at the Fredonia Post Office on Day Street. I took the 2:45 p.m. guided tour ride in mid May down into the depths of the pothole that dominated the area near the drive-in mail box. It was amazing but dangerous. The different layers of rock seen on your descent represent millions of years of earth history. I even took time to check out the gift shop where I purchased a stamp to commemorate the pothole which made postal service history. The dangerous part was when you had to dodge cars that plummeted to the bottom as you and your donkey descended to the depths. Tourists finally came to the pile of cars at the bottom with drivers awaiting a tow to the top. It was quite an adventure.
¯ The big blockbuster movie this summer is “Wonder Woman.” She is undoubtedly one of America’s favorite super heroes. I believe that as a young boy, I had deep underlying desire to be a super hero myself. I used to have frequent dreams of flying just as Superman would fly. I can remember having my arms stretched before me flying through a forest of trees zig-zagging at high speed.
I didn’t have a cape which was disappointing nor did I have a costume. We were too poor to afford one even in a dream. I was relegated to using one of mom’s aprons as a cape as I flew around in the forest in my street clothes. But I did wear a pair of her stockings once and discovered they reduced air drag which allowed me to fly faster. I wasn’t on any mission in the dreams of flying. Call me Super Chicken
Wonder Woman led me to look into some of America’s lesser known female super heroes which turned out to be a very interesting host of heroes. I’m just guessing that a host of heroes is like a school of fish.
I never had heard of these super hero comic book ladies but they are fabulous in many ways that Wonder Woman is lacking. Wonder isn’t all that wonderful when you compare her super powers with someone like superhero Bumble Bee. She had a super-powered high tech battle suit where she could reduce herself to the size of an insect and deliver an electric shock to her adversary. Her twin sister Stumble Bee didn’t quite make it as a hero. She would simply beef up to a size 48 in her all meat pizza suit. Then she would sit on her enemy, giggle and tickle them into submission.
There was a super comic book lady named Atom Eve. Never heard of her, right? But wow, she has quite an impressive lineup of super-powers. She had the power to alter matter at the sub atomic level. Atom could take a gooey donut, eat it as it is and then change it into a nutritious food when it is digested in the body. Now that is a super power to kill for.
Bottom Eve, her evil twin, could convert the atomic structure of broccoli into a creme -filled donut. Give her a piece of cauliflower and she can turn it into a glazed donut. Give Bottom Eve a piece of kale and she can make it a chocolate eclair dripping with calories that are destined for one’s bottom.
Cheetara is a super hero with blazing speed. She can reach 120 mph in the blink of an eye. Of course, that’s still below the flight speed that girls would reach in high school when they saw me coming down the hall at prom time. The word was out that “Nin is on the prowl and looking for a prom date that isn’t his mother.” Hundreds of young ladies would flee with their crinoline dresses flying in sheer crazy terror. They would dive for the nearest doorway at the speed of light defying all the rules of physics. “Run for your life, girls,” would be the cry.” “A chintzy wrist corsage is not worth a night with that nerd.”
¯ Finally, President Trump is famous for his tweets that attack the media and anybody else who might accuse him of having small hands. But not all of his tweets are of that nature. I think this one is pretty cool.
Donald Trump@unrealTrump. That Privitera guy is one heck of a writer. Compared to him, Shakespeare was a fake loser. And when you need a super hero to fly through trees, Nincompoop is your man. The guy’s fantastic. He’s making America Great Again and he does it without a cape.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of the month. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org