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More than just a change of clothes

According to a scientist at the University of Toronto, brain power varies throughout the year. He says our brain peaks at early fall. So the sad news is that this column is as good as it’s going to get. Sorry folks, but the train wrecks that are coming are due to the seasonal cycle.

¯ The guy is 85 years old now. Who’s the guy? At the age of 81, Ruth Rose had a sex change operation to become a woman. He is the oldest man in Britain to do so.

As I approach that number, I was wondering the other day if that is something that I should consider.

The obvious reason for having a sex change at this stage of life involves golf. You know how crazy golfers are. How does anyone make sense of hitting a little white ball as far as they can and then walk after it to hit it again? It’s inherently insane to an outsider.

If I had a sex change and became a woman I would qualify for using the woman’s tee.

Wearing panty hose after all these years of not shaving my legs would be quite a change. Maybe I’ll go the slacks route.

One of the advantages of becoming a woman is that I could share my wife’s wardrobe. She has some delightful tops that I like, so the idea of wearing them is a temptation. Not that I haven’t tried on a few. Of course, if we both wanted to wear the same top on the same day that could be a source of friction.

I just thought of a potential obstacle to womanhood that could be the clincher; mahjong. I may have to learn how to play it. Tiles, racks, bamboos, dots, and 13 orphans. What’s with all that nonsense? And the there’s this mahjong term “a dead wall”? That sounds like a Trump campaign promise gone sour.

One of the features of womanhood that causes me to pause on the switch is the ladies room restaurant law. NYS RLR101 states that, “no woman can use the restaurant ladies room without being accompanied by another woman.” Another thing that I’ll have to research is if there’s a stall law. Is there required conversation with a woman in an adjoining stall? No way that I’m agreeing to that. That could be a game breaker.

At least the transition to lingerie won’t be a problem. I accomplished that back in high school.

¯ OK, perhaps you’re right. I see the world through a distorted veil. That warped world view leads me to see the reality of life in America becoming more unreal. Many facets of life are becoming similar to an entertainment series.

We have turned hurricane coverage into infotainment. Reporters are out there hanging on to anything tied down pretending to be in dire straits.

What’s coming during next year’s hurricane season? Media elite might as well as turn somebody else’s tragedy into entertainment for the rest of the world. If hurricane Hurricane Omaraosa hits Florida, Las Vegas-style betting could be just around the light pole wrapped reporter struggling against 90 mph winds.

There are a vast number of parameters that we could bet on. The speed of the hurricane at 5 p.m.Then we could bet over or under 110 mph at 6 p.m. Vegas will have a Super Bowl of chances. Customers without electricity in Florida at 8 p.m. Total rainfall in Ocala by 10 a.m. Tuesday. You get the idea.

Weather hazards abound with riches of wagering. The winter season could be replete with ways of making the lotteries an afterthought. What are the odds of 10 inches of lake effect snowfall in Dunkirk by 10 p.m.? How about 8-to-1 odds that the Thruway will be closed between Dunkirk and Ripley by 10 p.m.

In other words, the media is blurring reality with the virtual world and making everything fun.

¯ Continuing with the theme of amusing ourselves to death, let’s go all the way and turn American politics into a soap opera. How’s this for a title for this ongoing nausea inducing production: “As America Vomits”?

What a lineup of stars and characters we have with us. You can tune in every day to Morning Joe for the newest episode where the elite thinkers on the panel respond to the morning tweets of Terrible Tyrantosauras Trump.

We listen to Mika Brzezinski relate what this horrible man tweeted at three in the morning. Trump’s tweet says, “Brett Kavanaugh is such a fine human being that any woman would be so lucky to be sexually assaulted by him.” That sets Mika’s forehead vein into a throbbing frenzy. She shakes her head in disgust and calls neanderthal Trump, “an old piggish white man of corrupt privilege”

The camera will then pan to the White House where Trump tweets that, ” Mika’s just angry because her plastic surgery was a failure. She should be locked up because her face is scaring young children. And lock her up with Hillary.”

That triggers a response by Mika’s fiancee and co-host Joe Scarborough. He comes to the noble defense of his future bride. He declares that Trump has the intellectual level of the tiniest bacteria. He would lose a game of Jeopardy to an ameba.

Trump goes on to advise Mika’s Joltin Joe of how Joe Biden and now Scarborough would end up in a heap out back of the gym after a good old high school thumping.

Scarborough scornfully shouts into the camera that he wants first dibs on the man in the White House with the tiny hands who is only there because of Russian collusion.

President Trump responds with another tweet defending the size of his hands. With the strains of ” Hail To The Chief” playing in the background, Trump says, ” Hey Joe, you can ask your friend Stormy Daniels about my hands. She’ll testify to their more than adequate size and they’re larger than any other President’s in history of America. Nobody has to make my hands great again.”

The TV camera now captures the vision of Michael Avanati who is the ” Creepy Porn Lawyer” of Stormy Daniels. He comes to the defense of American women everywhere who are like Stormy with hopes and dreams. Michael encourages women to follow their desires into the profession of their choice, including porn, because it’s an honorable career choice.

Mika Brzezinski then responds with her encouraging words for women to empower themselves like Stormy Daniels and do it first by buying Mika’s book Grow Your Value.

Trump responds to Mika and encourages her to overcome her failed plastic surgery and consider becoming a transgendered man.

That slam provokes Mika to new heights of indignation. She rages against the President who should be, ” trans-specied into a human being,”

That brings into the scene Kaitlyn Jenner. She declares her intentions of becoming the first human to be a trans-species. Kaitlyn tells the audience that she has always admired ostriches so she is beginning that transition. Kaitlyn expresses her desire to have a glorious plume of feathers by Christmas.

The camera next spotlights actor Robert De Niro who once again expresses his desire to do harm to Trump by tearing the feathers off of that big chicken of a President. De Niro shouts, ” I once played the great fighter Jake La Motta in the film Raging Bull. I would like to take my rage out on the Bull-Raging President of ours and knock him into Russia with all of his commie pals.”

Within seconds, those harsh threats are followed up by a tweet from Trump. ” Robert De Niro is now a third-rate washed up actor who can’t get a job. That’s why he has all this time to make threats against me. He was the main guy in a movie Taxi Driver. He’s such a loser of an actor now that he can’t even get job as a taxi driver, although I know and love many great beautiful taxi drivers. They’re incredible people and nice true patriots.”

Mercifully, it is time for a commercial featuring some new drug that has one benefit and a list of 248 side effects- and time for a shower to scrub away the toxic scum of “As America Vomits.”

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident whose column appears the second Sunday of each month. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com

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