“I’m worthless.” This thought in a nutshell sums up the thinking pattern of people with this life trap.

Whether it was coaching basketball or working with clients in chemical dependency, this was a big hurdle. Getting people to recognize their self-worth and then put it into action can be very difficult.

Even “back in the day” when I coached basketball, motivation was a problem, in terms of trying to get kids to play to the best of their ability and as a team. If a team believed they were not good, that’s the way they would play and a long losing season would transpire.

I was lucky. I always had great, hard-nosed kids that another team had to beat, because they weren’t going to beat themselves with things like stupid fouls, turnovers and lack of effort.

In coaching and counseling, what people put into their thinking can go a long way in keeping them competitive. Players may not always win, based on the ability of who they play against.

But our job always was a process of showing up to every practice and every counseling session to get better.

I’ve had players tell me in November, “Coach, I feel sorry for you because we are terrible.”

My response to players and clients was, “I didn’t take this job for self-pity. We are going to find out who wants to go to war with us, and who will show up 100% every day to coaching or counseling sessions.”

In other words, “what are you telling yourself that you want for yourself and your teammates and for your life to break the cycle of being told by yourself that you’re worthless.”

The origins of defectiveness again stem from families in terms of someone in your family being extremely critical, demeaning or punitive toward you. You were repeatedly criticized or punished for how you looked, behaved, or what you said. You were made to feel like a disappointment by a parent.

Also, you may have been unloved by a parent — or both. You may have been sexually, physically or emotionally abused by a family member. You may have been blamed for things that went wrong in your family. You were told repeatedly that you were bad, worthless, or good for nothing, or you were repeatedly compared to your siblings in an unfavorable way, with your brothers or sisters preferred over you.

Finally, one of your parents left home and you blamed yourself. Thus a person with this type of background and thinking moves into adulthood, finds alcohol and other drugs, gets sick and now goes through the cycle of using, coming down, vowing sobriety, using for years, no treatment, staying miserable.

The people who came to Caz Manor Halfway House, Tri-County and formerly Bry-Lin all bordered on this life trap in connection with other life traps such as unrelenting standards, entitlement and fear of failure. In terms of meeting other people and dating, there are many danger signs if they don’t change their thinking. People with defectiveness avoid dating altogether or they tend to have a series of short, intense affairs or several affairs simultaneously. They are drawn to partners who are physically abusive towards them and put them down all the time.

Also, you are attracted to partners who are not interested in you, hoping you can win their love. Or you are only drawn to attractive and desirable partners. even though you have no chance with them. In terms of looking for love, you only date people that are below you and who you don’t really love. Finally, you may get into relationships in which you put down, abuse or neglect your partners.

To be continued in March.

Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy counselor. He can be reached at 716-983-1952.