Last article we met Janet who called with a powerful declaration. She thinks her husband, Jarrett, is having an affair.

A once conventional type family, they raised two children now living independently. Jarrett came home from work to join the family for evening and weekend functions. Presently, he arrives home late, misses an elegant dinner, showers, and goes to bed. Janet, given this behavior, has retreated to another bedroom. Her sleep is erratic. She works with websites incorporating her writing skills.

Allowances have been made to work at home. Her former connections have transitioned, giving time and age to essentially being alone. Attachments thus far are few and not substantial. On weekends, Jarrett either continues his day work at his basement office or gets involved with home maintenance. He’s an engineer. Janet agreed to return for another session. I asked her to remember when the transition occurred from connection to disconnection with Jarrett.

Welcome back, Janet. How has your week looked like? “Nothing of my complaints to you changed. Jarrett’s habits continue. I gave thought to your question of when I noticed a ‘disconnect’ with Jarrett. It seems to me that it began five to six months ago. I can recall one particular change now that I look back.”

What stands out, Janet? “Well, Jarrett used to call, not text, and say hi. This occurred around lunch time. He’d make the call short and sweet. He came home and joined me in a lavish dinner I prepared. Like I told you, I love to cook and bake.

“Jarrett began to come home later than usual. At times he’d sit and eat in silence. He looked tired and I gave him space. He’d retreat to his office until bedtime. Now that I think back, he looked drained. I know his job is demanding. He rarely spoke about his work even in good times. He preferred to keep work at work or at his home office. He didn’t want to burden me or bore me about work matters. Gradually, he arrived home later. He continued to appear drained. He joined me for dinner less and less. I once asked if he was all right. I remember him looking at me. He shook his head and mumbled something like he’s OK and that I didn’t need to be concerned.”

What about now, Janet. Are you concerned? “I am. I’ve worked my way through a lot of emotions to anger. I seem to be stuck on anger now. Do you think that my anger has something to do with my sleep?”

Well, I suppose it’s possible. Going to bed angry keeps you tied up. Your brain needs calm in order to sleep restfully. Is there anything else that bogs you down? Another concern for Jarrett?

“Actually, yes. I’m not clear what he eats daily. I know he doesn’t eat dinner with me. His clothes look like he’s lost weight. He used to pride himself on a tight, strong body, which fit clothes handsomely. Now, his clothes are looser on him. Geez, I wonder is he sick? He started growing a beard, a short one mind you. I just figured he was joining the ranks of men who do that. It is becoming on him. For years we’d joke about his growing a beard. He utterly refused. He shaved daily, even on vacations. He might wear work-out or outdoor activity clothes, certainly different from day clothes, a suit and tie. But he always showered, always.”

I think those memories might be helpful for you, Janet. Having a clearer vision of those aforementioned changes, subtle as you described, might provide some clues. However, this is not a made for TV detective show. This is real stuff. Something has changed and you’ve withdrawn yourself. “How do you mean, Marshall?”

In the course of a marriage, changes are common and inevitable. That part is clear. However, what specifically are those changes? What is the driving force? And, when those changes are not recognized for its importance, it’s possible to go about your daily business, feeling something that you might dislike yet do nothing about it. Ergo, you wake up one day and realize you are stuck.

While you are looking at Jarrett, angry, and retreating, a rift is being created. As long as that trend continues, the answers to your legitimate concerns remain elusive. You can remain stuck, Janet, or else take more control. Perhaps it’s time for you to consider leaning in and coming towards Jarrett, not away. “Yes, you may possibly be right.”

If you take a path that recognizes symptoms, then walk that road. If something else you’ve not discovered or realized is in process for Jarrett, find the tools for you to get unstuck from anger, which can be limiting. You don’t paint a picture of formally attending to this legitimate concern. Getting unstuck from anger and subsequent withdrawal can lead you towards a greater intimacy with Jarrett. Right now, you are wallowing in the emotions. That can torment the mildest of people’s emotions. Kind of like a dance. Jarrett is changing before your eyes; time to change the music and how you dance. It’s up to you, Janet.

“Wow, you’ve got my brain all stirred up. You’re correct. I am stuck and don’t like it a bit. It’s gone on for too long. He hasn’t pushed me away; I’ve retreated on my own. I guess the music changed. Jarrett’s doing a different dance and I’m not in sync. Guess I need to learn a new dance. I love my husband. I’m not sure how he feels about me. Guess I need to do something to check it out. I want to know.” We set a new appointment. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Marshall Greenstein, a Cassadaga resident, holds a masters degree in marriage and family counseling and is a licensed marriage and family counselor and a licensed mental health counselor in New York state. He has regular office hours at Hutton and Greenstein Counseling Services, 501 E. Third St., Suite 2B, Jamestown, 484-7756. For more information or to suggest topics, email editorial@observertoday.com.