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Before the Era of Selfies, most everyone knew that the genius artist Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear to profess his love for his hot girlfriend. If he had Facebook he could have professed his love for her and saved an ear. Or he could have bought her flowers or even a nice box of chocolate-covered strawberries. There is a chance that he was too cheap to buy her a sweetheart ring like every other schlep non-genius. So he removed his ear instead. He did the ear lopping on Dec. 23, 1888.
It makes one wonder what was Van Gogh thinking; that his babe would rather have a bloody ear to wear around her neck than adorn her finger with a ring? Considering the date, perhaps he suddenly realized that he had gotten so involved in his painting that he forgot to get his girlfriend Beyonce a Christmas gift. My crack research staff said her name was Beyonce, but I have my doubts.
It was probably late at night, stores were closed, Vincent painting and humming along, “Do do dah do dah. Let’s see. No. 12 requires verdant green. No. 45 takes a little alarizon crimson. You know, painting cool things is pretty easy with these numbers.”
Then he realized, “Oh my Gosh you dumbkoff, what about Beyonce’s Xmas gift? I have nothing, not even a Chia Pet.” So whack went the ear. What woman wouldn’t like her boyfriend’s ear? There was a world of alternatives besides removing an ear but Vincent was a kind of an impulsive guy. I wonder if he let it dry out and put it on a chain as a necklace or delivered it fresh? Vincent Van Gogh; a brilliant artist, but boy, did he have lousy taste in gifts.
A 33-year-old man in the United Kingdom put his wife up for sale on eBay. He claimed that she was unsympathetic. Apparently, he wasn’t feeling well and she didn’t buy the whole act, kneeling at his beck and call, pat his forehead and make him feel better. Within two days he had a bid for her at $91,000. I know I could get billions for my snookums but I was thinking about my flaws and what my wife could get for me? If she put me up for bid on eBay I kind of think she’d be dealing with nickels and dimes.
First of all it wouldn’t take much of a discerning eye to notice that I’d be a lot like buying a bald tire worth about 29 cents. There’s hardly any tread left and not much traction. I’m virtually worthless in a snow storm and no doubt would lead you into a ditch.
I suppose she could get about 36 cents if there’s another woman out there who looks forward to another dull evening at home following a hot dinner date at Bob Evans.
I’ve got a record collection that comes with me. My wife should be able to find someone who’d put up about $1.10 for the always hip Ray Conniff Singers and songs by that young punk Bobby Darin.
My collection of black socks that are worn with my summer shorts ought to draw at least a couple bucks.
The discount that I get at the barber adds another $1.39 to my value. But, the fact that I hog the TV in search of the precipitation percentages on weather reports probably diminishes it.
I do take out the garbage without too much grumbling. That takes me about a minute to do and at my pay rate of a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer, that’s worth about 32 cents. No grumbles maybe worth another 7 cents.
My value has to have gone up since I will now ask for directions when I’m lost. That changed after turning around in a guy’s driveway in West Virginia when we should’ve been on the four-lane heading to Florida. Obviously it was defective civil engineering design that led to that. Not my mistake.
I figured that I pretty much total out to about $4.17 until I remembered a feature that is worth thousands of dollars. I laugh and say, “Now isn’t that just so cute, that’s adorable,” every time my billion dollar snookums shows me a cat video.
Donald Trump had been so busy lately finding ways not to pay any income tax and tweeting about fat chicks that he only had a very short time for another foreign policy meeting with himself. Here’s the latest transcript. “Donald, what do you have to say about the country of Nauru?” “They’re losers. End of meeting.”
Wow, just when you think life was getting boring, something whiz bang like this happens. A new species of ant has been discovered. And here you thought you had exhausted your collection of ants. The new one that just came along that’s a must addition is Lenomyrmex hoelldobleri, my ant-loving friend.
Hoorahs go out to a myrmecologist – a guy who studies ants – at the University of Rochester who discovered it. What he did was flush the stomach of a diablito (devil frog) in Ecuador and there, in the frog vomit, was the new ant with giant mandibles. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve come up empty after flushing a frog stomach, I’d be rich. And what about poor diablito? He’s minding his own business and ends up getting a fire hose flushing to see what kind of goodies he’s eating off the jungle floor?
Do you think your job can be tedious? How about studying for years and years, getting a Ph.D., and you find yourself making a frog vomit which results in jumping for joy in a jungle holding up the remains of a 1/4 inch ant. Buddy, you need a date.
Here’s a story that got little attention when it was disclosed. It seems pretty significant to me since it involves our future First Lady/ President.
- Four years ago, at the Franklin Roosevelt Four Freedoms Park dedication ceremony, Bill Clinton stated that Hillary communes with the deceased Eleanor Roosevelt on a regular basis. And on the Breakfast Club last April, Hillary confirmed her hubby’s claim and said she believes in spirits. So my problem with all this is, if she is communing with Eleanor Roosevelt, how does Hillary know that it’s Eleanor? She could be communing with some spirit, but like many Americans, I don’t trust her when she says it’s Eleanor.
It could very easily be a spirit that is impersonating Eleanor Roosevelt and giving Hillary all kinds of questionable advice. How do we know she isn’t communing with Cleopatra who has been known to be a great impersonator among the communing community?
Boy, if she is dealing with Cleo, somebody who is married to her and thinks he’s Elvis better watch his back.
Why is that? Because Cleopatra married two of her brothers. She married her younger brother Ptolemy XIV after bumping off her first husband/brother named Ptolemy VIII. Then she knocked off him to make her son co-ruler. If Hillary’s taking advice from her, Bill might be feeling his own pain all too soon.
Cleopatra was not someone to be challenged. She even had her sister Arsinoe executed who she considered a threat to her throne. There’s a suspicion that it was one of those sister things where Arsinoe wore one of Cleo’s tiaras without asking.
On the other hand, looking at the way Hillary dresses, perhaps she isn’t contacting the spirit of Cleopatra. She doesn’t adorn herself like Cleo did. The Egyptian “goddess” loved splendor, exotic hairstyles, extravagant jewelry, but as far as I know, did not wear one pantsuit.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly in the OBSERVER. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com