There’s quite interesting news from East Main St., Fredonia. A landscape crew with, no doubt, nuclear-powered mowers and trimmers cut down the rainforest that took over the White Inn lawn. While reducing the tropical growth to a traditional length, a fantastic discovery was made. They found Jimmy Hoffa. He had been missing since 1975.

He was a bit groggy and confused which is understandable after such a lengthy ordeal.

After he was given with medical aid, he was arrested and taken off to jail by the all powerful, all-knowing, Mayor Bill de Blasio of New York City.

He was charged with not wearing a face mask and for failure to pay a parking ticket issued in June of 1969. There is hope that he will be released by the judge because he could be credited with social distancing from friends and family for 45 years.

How Bill de Blasio has jurisdiction 500 miles from New York City is a puzzle. But, it could be due to his progressive and virtue-based concern for the health and safety of all the people on the planet.

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Isaac Newton is considered one of humanity’s greatest scientists to ever live.

He discovered and formulated some of the basic laws of the universe but I think he missed one. That’s probably because he didn’t drive a car.

That universal law was confirmed to me on May 28. I was headed to a store in my saran-wrapped body, with mask, in another futile search for toilet paper while avoiding the virus.

I drove east toward the evolving roundabout that is scheduled to be completed sometime before the sun burns out.

As I approached the Devil’s Circle, there were a few sprinkles on the windshield. I activated the intermittent wiper blade and there it was; a demonstration of the Law of Smudges.

What is that you say? A tiny leaf was caught between the wiper blade and the windshield. Where was it caught? Right where the objects are always caught following the Universal Law of Smudges on Windshields.

The Law states that an object caught between a wiper blade and the windshield must produce a smudge in direct line of sight of the driver unless acted upon by an outside force which is usually the itched off driver getting out of the car and removing the leaf while cursing like a golfer. That is the Law of motion that Newton missed.

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I just realized that I have almost become a cyborg. That’s a creature who is part human and part computer. The incident that I will describe reflects the degree to which I have become accustomed to being a part of a digital artificial world of intelligence.

A few mornings past, I was sitting in my man cave writing this award winning column. Perhaps a Pulitzer is in the mail as you read these words. I looked out the window as a man went by our house walking with his dog on a leash. The dog was a cute brown and white terrier stepping along at a rapid pace. he had a perfect posture, wagging tail, proud, and looking like he was ready for the Westminster Dog Show.

I thought that my wife would enjoy seeing that little canine sprite walk with such pride. Since my snookums wasn’t present and reading her morning poems, I should hit the pause button. Then when she got tos my room, I would back up the “picture” and then hit play.

I was shocked. I was seeing reality as a program that can be toyed with. I’m seeing life as an event that can be experienced by hitting replay. Egads, I need to get out more. This shutdown is grabbing hold.

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One of rock ‘n’ roll’s icons died about a month ago. He was Richard Penniman better known as Little Richard. He is probably best known for the beloved rock n roll classic Tutti Frutti. That 1950’s rocker included the eternal lyric, “a wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-boom.” That’s not exactly the refinement of ” icy finger waves, ski trails down a mountainside, “ from Moonlight in Vermont but it set the stage for a music revolution.

Little Richard may have been a musical genius but it didn’t carry over into economics prowess. He signed a contract that provided him $ 0.5 cents for each record sold. I figure each ” wop-bop” paid him about 0.05 cents and the same rate goes for the ” bam booms.” Little is also remembered for “slippin and a slidin” “peepin and a hiden”. And who can ever forget “I’m ready ready ready teddy,” a mere 18 times. Rest in peace Richard.

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Eccentric genius billionaire Elon Musk and his paramour singer/artist Grimes just had their first baby boy. They named him X AE A-12. The amazing coincidence is that if my wife and I had a son, we were going to name him X AE A-11. Whew, little did we know how close we came to a very serious mix up.

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I just read an article that listed the 12 words or phrases that this particular author believes does not ever want to hear again. I agree with the author that they are annoying and infuriating after being inundated for almost three months with their media presence day and night. N N Number one on his list of phrases to be banished forever is “the new normal.” This suggests that we will be wearing masks for the next century. I’d rather go with the phrase “the collected rejected.” Now that would make me smile because that envisions Fauci, Cuomo, Newsom, and Pritzer with gags in their mouth.

Phrase number two that we don’t ever want to hear again is, ” we’re all in this together.” How about substituting that one with this, “they’re all in this together.” I would envision a prison cell for deplorables filled with a lot of Washington D.C. elites. I’m sure you have your favorites that are excruciatingly painful to tolerate when they pop up on the flat screen. You know when you see them that some ridiculous announcement is about to follow that you know is a lie.

“Social distancing” is phrase that has become a dreadful reality of 6 feet of separation between persons. Let’s replace that with ” ASS” which is “anti-social separation.” I can think of a multitude of dignitaries that fill my TV screen that are worthy asses of the ” new normal.” That’s the rule where you do not touch anyone who fits the requirements with a 10-foot pole.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com