Before I get to this month’s topic, I want to congratulate two fine high school basketball programs, Dunkirk and Fredonia. I attended the Dunkirk-Fredonia basketball game this month at Dunkirk and was impressed by the effort given by both teams.

Coach Vince Lombardi used to state, “the will to win, and the will to excel, they endure. They are more important than any event that occasions them (winning and losing).” This game, because of the rivalry, was an old school throwback to teams playing together and not caring who gets the credit, only looking at success. When teams play up tempo, there will always be more mistakes. Both teams didn’t let those bother them. In a game of this stature, it’s a shame that someone had to lose. All I can add is that both teams made their schools proud and congratulations to Dunkirk for breaking a long losing streak.

Now to this month’s topic on loneliness. This topic was precipitated by an odd occurrence. I was entering Matt’s News to get a paper when I held the door open for a woman.

She thanked me and then said, “Are you Mike?” I stated I was and she stated further, “I used to be your neighbor on Ruggles Street when you grew up. All of your friends had squirt guns, except you who had a hammer, and your use of banging it used to torment me. I often wanted to use it on you.”

How is that for an introduction and what does it have to do with loneliness? I apologized for my behavior back then. I was a rambunctious young kid. She then turned to me and said, “I know about your situation of losing two wives, I’ve buried two husbands and this being alone sucks.”

That’s how the conversation of loneliness started. She continued, “Everywhere you go, it appears that people are ‘coupled up.’ Male-female. Male-male, female-female, and oftentimes I feel like a fifth wheel. The days are so-so, but the nights are horrible. How do you handle this, Mike?”

First of all, I have no more answers to a question like that than anyone else. I’ve joined the struggle against loneliness like my brothers and sisters of family and society. Is it tough? Very tough. There are times with “survivors’ guilt” that one wishes they weren’t here and would want to be with the people they loved. However, there is a sequel to this. My brother, Jerry, was as close to me as any brother could be. When he was killed in 1968, it ripped my heart out. Four years later, my first wife, Rosemary (“Irish”) Murphy Tramuta died at childbirth. I didn’t handle either death very well. I drank a lot, became addicted to alcohol and my behavior was far from the values that my mother and father had taught me. I was lonely all the time.

I then met Karen “Marie” Katulski Tramuta, who changed my life and helped me grow up. We were married 50 years and I often stated, “God sent me to her because he knew I needed her.” If every guy had a wife like her, there would be a lot fewer divorces.

Brings us to the present. Karen passed away March 29, 2023, after a long fight with ovarian cancer. My wife battled this disease for 12 years. I’ve been sober for 41 years, due to God and her. So to go back to the question, “How do you handle this, Mike?” I think when you love, truly love people like Jerry, Irish and Karen, they would never want you to hurt and punish yourself for things you didn’t do, filled with regrets.

To fight loneliness, I think you have to stay busy, if possible. I’m 84 years old, work full time, have great friends, enjoy going out to dinner with certain people, watching college basketball games on TV. Also, I had to change my thinking to accept where I am now. If God never blinks, then I don’t need to either. I am OK now in my own skin. I love my kids (all five of them). I have an awesome cat (Milo). That’s my buddy and needs me to take care of him. I think if I were to give advice on loneliness it would be “come out of yourself” and do for others however you may do it if you’re capable.

The old adage of “I see a man-woman with no shoes and think that’s awful, until I see a man-woman with no feet and they still are in the game.” Spiritually, trust in God and know that “this too shall pass,” and whatever is happening around you or to you is just the way it is supposed to be. That’s acceptance without you thinking that you know better because it’s not what you want. When I look at their pictures, now I smile instead of crying and for having had the opportunity to have walked with such wonderful individuals.

Mike Tramuta is an REBT counselor. He can be reached at 716-983-1592.