In the spirit of retribution and crass name calling that’s popular today, I have made the New Year Resolution to threaten everyone and everything I possibly can with a lawsuit. My plan is to get rich by getting back at those who have wronged me or with whom I disagree.

First I’ve got to find the right lawyers. They must be of the BNPL ilk (Buy Now Pay Later), and trust that I’ll be generous after the job is done. And they must have special qualities. The women have to be gummy bear and Botox friendly, and steady on stilettos. They will be required to spend at least two hours in the make-up room prior to any public appearance. As for the men, I’m looking for fellows who dress meticulously, but who are a little odd looking with wavy, slicked-back gladiator-like hair and a smirky kind of leer, like a professional wrestler with bad intent. Whatever the gender, my lawyers must appear to be simple minded, but underneath, meaner than a badger on catnip.

My first victims will be my neighbors, whose refusal to shovel their sidewalks will have caused me and my dog Rocco significant harm. It happens that only two other people on my street own a shovel, and one is the postman. A few have blowers, but they usually malfunction, eliciting episodes of cussing that can be heard blocks away. Altogether, there should be a hundred or so cases of negligence. On my part, I’ll sue for bone-joint gingerrootitis and frostbite (it takes a long time to climb out after being buried by a passing city snow plow, whom I will also sue). For Rocco, it’ll be about emotional trauma, as he is an overly sensitive dog and little things like my screaming in agony deeply disturb him.

Also on Rocco’s and my behalf, I will sue PetsPlus for damages after purchasing a tainted pig’s ear which caused him diarrhea and hookworms (and I’ll fervently deny that he has a tendency to eat dirt). The settlement will cover vet bills, including the cost of shipping some samples to a lab in Ithaca. Also covered will be the emotional stress I will have incurred from having to dig up samples that are buried under two feet of stained snow.

As one who has always been inspired by music to do spontaneous things, I plan to sue John Denver and the state of Colorado for luring me out there on the promise of a Rocky Mountain high. What I have to show for my several years of wandering in the mountains is a scary encounter with a mother bear, dried out skin, a limp and a cough.

(I realize it will be hard to locate Mr. Denver’s estate, as it was never clear whether his real home was Colorado, West Virginia or some other inspiring mountainous region.)

I’ll sue a department store for the woman who runs over my foot while recklessly driving a cart. She’s not entitled to the cart, as she has no apparent disability, just a manic instinct to get to whatever’s on sale before somebody does. As for Ollies, the sheer volume of random stuff crammed together in aisles the width of a lawn mower has caused me episodes of vertigo and delusions of being lost in a whirling labyrinth of teenagers’ bedrooms.

I’m also going after Canada because it doesn’t take on its share of the brunt of lake effect storms. Why are there never media images of Toronto or Hamilton or Port Colburn being immersed in the chaotic white nothingness that consumes us here? I believe they have hidden along their shores giant mechanical blowers, like windmills, that redirect bad weather this way.

Speaking of Canada, I’ve heard they are bootlegging whiskey across the Great Lakes. It’s a high quality blend, yet costs a fraction of what our Kentucky brands sell for. I’ll advise the President of the Americas to order the Coastguard to blow up any suspected booze terrorists posing as retirees in dinghies or pocket cruisers. I would also suggest we nab Prime Minister Mark Carney because he played hockey at Harvard (an unAmerican sport at an unAmerican school) and has challenged the President.

Speaking of Harvard, it’s quite profitable to go after colleges these days. My plan is to hire an athlete who just graduated from a Division I school with a degree in ETP (Emotional Therapy for Pets) to train Rocco to become more self assured and assertive. As soon as it becomes evident that Rocco has gained 25 pounds due to the mis-administering of TRT (Treat Reward Therapy) on account of the athlete/therapist’s poor math skills, I’m going after the Big 10, Big 12, and all the other big ones.

Finally, I’ll be suing OBSERVER for exposing the public to this kind of cockeyed, desultory, unintelligible and unnewsworthy drivel!

Pete Howard is a Dunkirk resident. Derogatory and defamatory comments may be sent to odyssmusic20@gmail.com