It’s that golden time of the month again when we review the important news stories that are shaking the world. So strap yourself in. Here we go.

Story 1 – Hillary Clinton has caused quite a stir recently. We now know that she was using a private server and private email account during the four years she was Secretary of State. Guidelines say that she should’ve used a secure government account. I believe her address was smartestwomanintheworld@whatdifferencedoesitmakemail rather than the State Department email system. Some people are skeptical about her honesty but I would never mistrust a Clinton. Some people ask whether she has turned over all the emails while she was making the world safe.

My trustworthy team of investigators have discovered this email that Hillary sent to her former adviser Pee Wee. It seems pretty innocent to me.

Dear Pee Wee, Oh that Nancy Pelosi makes me so mad. She’s such a phony baloney. She’s the only woman I know who sleeps with a smile on her face. Of course, what choice does she really have? I think this one she’s wearing is version 24.

Oh, that North Korean dictator King Jung Un, he makes me so mad. Just because he has some nukes he thinks we don’t notice that goofball haircut that makes him look like a Mo look-a-like.

Oh, that Vladimir Putin he’s such a phony baloney. He thinks he’s so macho with his shirt off and flexing those gorgeous pecs in front of the world; his chest glistening with sweat, dripping, sensual, and muscular and oh dear, I’m getting faint and the vapors are taking over. Oh my, I’ve got to stop looking at those naughty pictures of Vlad. What a scoundrel he is. Maybe it’s time for the former Secretary of State to visit Russia just to see how that reset button thing is doing?

Story 2. You know that old adage about, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” Well, that certainly might be an adage but it’s not true. This old dog has just learned a new trick and it involves the adage, ” cleanliness is close to godliness.”

I must admit that I’m not the most fastidious person. The room in which I am creating this masterpiece does not look quite like a victim of Hurricane Katrina but it does resemble something Dorothy and Toto rode on to the land of Oz.

Despite my lack of attention to organization, my new trick is hanging my hand towel in a folded and gentlemanly manner. For more than 50 years my wife would quietly turn away in revulsion as I would plop such towel on a rack so that the towel might barely dry out before the Second Coming. Since that event seems to be getting closer, I am now folding my towel where I take pride in folds and creases that display care and pride. I’m still working on the more Godly part. My towel is actually dry at times before the next use. So take that you old dog adage.

Story 3. The Mattel company is coming out with a new Barbie doll called “Hello Barbie.” This little piece of plastic should take humanity further down the road to irrelevance. Why? Because you or your child are going to be able to carry on a conversation with “Hello Barbie.” At least that’s the way it’s advertised.

My superlative team of investigative researchers got me an early edition of “Hello Barbie.” I tried her out and I believe they need to do some additional work on her. It wasn’t very pleasant.

I started our conversation which went downhill quite rapidly. Here’s a transcript of what happened.

“Hi, Barbie, how are you?”

“I don’t know you. What makes you think I must talk to you? Just because you bought me, so now you think I’m supposed to be a compliant conversationalist. Who do you think you are that you can boss me around? I’ll talk to you when I’m good and ready and right now I’m not ready. In fact, I sort of have a headache and you’re not helping my healing. So, if you’d be so kind to put me down and let me compose myself, I’ll call you when I feel like talking. Get it?

“As a matter of fact, a man of your age should be embarrassed to be playing with dolls. What kind of a whack job are you? On second thought take me back to the store. I want nothing to do with you, you creep. Help, police, help, police! Get away from me you pervert. Get your hands off me.”

Story 4. Oh great, If you didn’t already have enough trouble in your life, the EPA may be soon breathing down your neck, with mask on, of course, to cut down on carbon dioxide emissions. The EPA has the University of California looking in to banning backyard barbecues for they may be ruining the environment.

That’s right the EPA suspects that your charbroiled hot dog may cause a polar bear to drown because his ice floe may melt beneath his feet due to the emissions from your evil barbecue grill.

Kids sitting around a campfire making s’mores may be no mores (couldn’t resist). The EPA could blast a campfire with a drone if they suspect it is causing little baby seals to become sick.

The FBI might be charging into your yard blasting that “Barbie-q” with a fire hose if they find out your greasy cheeseburger is causing penguins to get a tan.

Story 5. The Large Hadron Collider is ramping up in Switzerland. This device is an atom smasher which might allow scientists to create mini black holes where stuff from an alternate universe may leak into our universe. They don’t know what might come through those openings but I just got my home version Black and Decker collider/food processor the other day.

It’s pretty cool, sort of. I was watching TV last night and I wanted a snack. So I punched in the proper code and, poof, within a few seconds a black hole appeared and, shazam, out came a bag of Klingon potato chips from another universe. I punched in another code and, poof, out came a glass of Klingon lemonade with ice cubes.

The only problem is that apparently Klingons have better colliders than my collider/food processor. I was all settled in with my big screen TV, chips, and lemonade and, poof, a mini black hole popped up in my room and, shazam, my TV dove through it into an alternate universe and was gone. It looks like those Klingon guys play for keeps.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com