Some recent items in the news worth another look:

Dieting and weight loss is a constant battle in the heart – whoops, the belly of America. There are as many diet tips as there are golf tips. Well, maybe not. I just heard yesterday that if I move my left thumb 1 millimeter to the right, I can get another 5 yards on my 4 iron.

The latest thing on the diet table deals with light. According to the Journal of Obesity, people who live in areas with bright lights tend to be more obese. So if you’re overweight I guess you can blame God. When he said let there be light, your goose was already cooked. And speaking of roasted goose, I hear it can be quite good with plum pudding.

So light can make you fat. If God had created the world and said let there be dark, apparently, we’d all be svelte, sleek, and slender. But so what if you were trim? No one would notice how great you look in that new outfit because it’s too dark. Then if you turn the light on, kaboom, you blow up and look like a Goodyear blimp in a great dress.

With all that light, the forbidden fruit appeared so attractive that Eve was seduced and then Adam was dead meat when Eve asked that deadly question that is loaded with danger to this very day. “Hey Adam, honey, does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

I’ll be right back to finish up this column. Right now I’m going into a dark closet with a chocolate-covered peanut butter-filled doughnut and emerge perfectly fine.

I was watching Morning Joe on March 16 when I heard Donald Trump announce who his main consultant on foreign policy is, “I’m speaking to myself because I have a very good brain.” I found that so interesting that I sent my chief investigator to Trump’s very next foreign policy meeting with himself. This is what he heard.

“Donald, I want to welcome you to our meeting today. And needless to say, you look fantastic as usual. Your hair looks fantastic and that suit is exquisite. That’s a great tie you’re wearing and you wear it perfectly. I thought that we would talk to myself today and the great thing about that is that means there are no losers here.

“Let’s talk about the last country in the A’s on the foreign country list, which is a fantastic list that I made for myself. That country is Azerbaijan. Donald, what do you have to say about that country? First of all, what a loser name for a country. Azer would be cool. Baijan would be cool but putting them together doesn’t work. And speaking of loser names, their capitol is Baku. If you say it fast enough, Baku, Baku, Baku, somebody’s going to say, “God bless you.” Baku, Baku – hey what’s making you sneeze there, buddy?

“My next question is why do we care about this country? What do we get from Azerbaijan? Sugar beets? What a loser vegetable that is. We don’t need those things. We’ve got the most fantastic sugar beets right here in America. And have you seen any of their women. Losers. Even Rosie could win Miss Azerbaijan.

“Actually, they better watch out. Once I start bombing Iran, a few stray ones may end up in Baku, which would really make them a loser country. So that’s it for Azerbaijan. Getting rid of that loser name is my first recommendation for that country. I thank you very much for your attendance here today, Donald. It’s always fantastic talking to myself. Have a fantastic day. And as Billy Crystal used to say, ‘You look marvelous.'”

Steven Spielberg has announced that 2019 will be the year of a brand new Indiana Jones movie. Now that Indiana is in his 70s, he won’t be searching for the usual Lost Ark, Crystal Skull,or Temple of Doom. In this episode, he will trade in his whip for a cane in Indiana Jones and the Search of the Nearest Restroom.

I don’t quite know what to make of this new study from the British Journal of Psychology. The way I understand it, I’m too stupid to understand it.

My problem is that I seem to have a good number of friends. I like being around my friends but according to this new study, that might be bad news. How can that be? Well, this expert says that when smart people spend time with their friends, that makes them less happy. If this is true, than I guess that I’m sort of a dummy. If my friends enjoy being around me does that mean my friends are stupid, too?

I guess when me and my friends are seen laughing and having a good time, you can say with a good deal of truth, look at those stupid jerks. So, If you’re my friend and you make me laugh, stop it, you’re pointing out to the world that I’m stupid.

Then again, a lot of our friends go to Florida for the winter. Maybe they’re saying hanging around with the Privitera’s is making me very unhappy. But let’s go to Florida because I’d rather be smart than hang around with those two. Let’s be smart and get out of town away from those losers. I don’t get it. I’m confused and it’s my friends fault.

Here’s some interesting news for me and my golfing buddies. There’s a company in Japan that’s about to experiment with drones to deliver refreshment supplies and golf balls for golfers while they’re on the course. Of course I don’t quite know how that’s going to work here in Fredonia. If I’m on the fourth hole and I call for a drone to bring me an unsweetened ice tea on the sixth hole, it’s really going to need to hump it from Japan to get here before the ice cubes melt.

Drones made in Japan could be a problem if historic tendencies re-emerge. One of those drones could assess the disgusting nature of our foursome’s golf game and decide to do the golf world a favor and turn into a kamikaze drone. I can foresee four drones with their helmets and goggles waiting for the four of us to gather on the green and deliver a tiny bomb into each one of our golf bags and destroy our instruments of embarrassing torment.

Batman vs. Superman is on a screen near you with mixed reviews. I think I saw the senior citizen version where you can tell the two superheroes are getting older.

The opening scene shows Batman driving his Batmobile through Metropolis with his right turn signal stuck in the on position. The city’s a wreck because Superman and General Zod are in a heavy bocce ball battle with a lot of trash talking. Batman blames Superman for wrecking a building and gives him a rather stern warning to stay off of Batman’s lawn. Lex Luther’s son Alex tries to sicken Superman not with kryptonite, but by spiking Superman’s Metamucil. Finally, Superman and Batman join forces to defeat the ultimate super villain named Doomsday. They decide the fate of Metropolis and the world by a no-holds barred vicious battle of shuffle board. So, beware, the senior citizen version of this movie may put you to sleep.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears monthly. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com