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Communication ain’t all it’s quacked up to be

Catching up on some recent events, attempts in the last month:

¯ There’s a female killer whale in France named Wikie. So what, you may be asking? Well, she’s pretty amazing in that Wikie can count to three, say “hello,” “bye bye” and the name “Amy.” She does this by using her blow hole, which is comparable to using our nose to speak. Upon reading this, I decided to try using my nose to do what Wikie does. I discovered that I don’t the same talents of a killer whale

I inhaled through my nose to say hello and the first thing I got was a nose full of air that has been trapped in my man cave all winter since last October. Upon using my blowhole, all I got was a sniffle that sounded like “whisss, whisss.” I tried a bye bye and got whisss, whisss. My attempts at Amy were no better. But there is one talent I have that the killer whale falls short of. I purchased an air freshener to alleviate the stale October smog.

¯ There’s a new device coming out this summer designated as a HiMirror. It’s a mirror that will electronically examine your face and tell you what flaws you have. It will also suggest corrections to make your ugly puss less offensive. It cost $189 which I found to be ridiculous. I’ve got a set of knock off golf clubs so I can get by with a knock off Hi Mirror. I went to a local knock off dealer who sold me one for $9.99. I plugged it in, turned it on, looked into it and the High Mirror screamed.

After it regained its composure, it shouted, “Jeesh!! Give me a warning next time, you ogre. Good grief, Quasimodo, do you really go out in public with that honker without red flag on it?” I got my receipt and returned it because who needs to begin each day being compared to a troll?

¯ I finally have an answer to my recent lack of sleep. According to the Journal of Global Environmental Change, people are suffering from depression, anxiety, restless nights, loneliness, and lethargy due to their concern over climate change. A glacier melting may have you tossing and turning when, all along, you thought it was because the Bills got bounced from the playoffs like a useless rag doll.

Scientists tell me that my anxiety could be that I’m worried about climate change and the welfare of those long-eared bats up in Arkwright. If one of them gets whacked by a windmill blade and becomes a short-eared bat, I may be looking for sleeping pills.

The other day I was rather lethargic. Then I realized that I was worrying about how the climate could be affecting the chance of survival of the kakapo. There he sits in New Zealand with wings too short to fly. So if it gets too hot for the kakapo, due to my snow blower, the poor thing won’t be able to cool himself by fanning his short stubby wings. He’s uncomfortable and it’s my fault. Therefore, lethargy is my curse.

I felt a bit depressed the other day and I realized that it was caused by my concerns over the warming ocean that threatens the Tridacna Gigas. I was sensing the tragedy of losing another giant clam. Once that happens, what do I add to my chowder?

¯ It took 40 years but it has finally come about. Minnie Mouse just had her star added to Hollywood Walk of Fame decades after Mickey got his. It may be heresy but I have always found Mickey to be annoying. I know it’s no fault of his but that squeaky voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Minnie’s no better. Sorry, ladies, but she’s annoying, too. That red polka dot dress that she wears is a fashion abomination. If there was ever a case for saying NO To The Dress., that was it. I find the whole family of animated mice annoying and uncute (if there is such a word). In my opinion, no one in that family deserves an honor because in addition to being squeaky, they’re rodents. Call me a specists, if you must, but I don’t like mice.

I’m more of a duck man. I have always been a fan of Donald Duck. Now that’s a funny guy. He deserved his star even though he’s been walking around with no pants for years. But, hey, now we know that’s pretty much the way things go in Hollywood for male leading actors. Daisy Duck has never lodged a complaint of sexual harassment against Donald. So, if she’s alright with no pants, it’s alright with me.

We know it’s fashionable to make amends to female actors in Hollywood during this Weinstein era. If there’s movement to give Daisy her star, forget it. Raise your hand if when you think of movie stars, you think of Daisy Duck. Ridiculous, right?

If anyone deserves a sidewalk star, you can’t do much better than Cinderella. She’s an animated fox. I’ll tell you what, when she popped on the screen in 1950 in her blue gown, white arm-length gloves, blonde hair, and red lipstick, she made one young man aware that he was a heterosexual. Give her a star just for that alone.

¯ This is an ugly story but it has to be told. She can’t get away with her snub. Mrs. Smarty Pants gave me a not so warm n’ fuzzy shot the other day. And of all places to get humiliated, it was in church.

She came up to me with a smiling face all proud and happy. I won’t mention her name. Let’s just say she’s a lady called MB to protect the not-so-innocent but smug and self-righteous. Why was she carrying her happy face? Well, it seems as though she just got her GREAT report card from National Grid when she knows that I, once again, struggled to join the mass of the ordinary customers to get a GOOD.

I suppose the fact that she lives in a high-falutin’ neighborhood didn’t become a major factor in getting her snooty GREAT. According to my research staff, higher and richer quality electricity is delivered to these uppity residential areas where Mrs. Smiley Face lives. General lowlifes, like me, get the diluted second rate juice which is loaded with ineffective neutrons which everybody knows are neutered particles. Try lighting a light bulb with neutrons and do you know what you’ll get? Darkness.

My research staff also measured with precision and discovered that her house is much nearer the street than mine. By the time electrons get to my house from the NRG lines, they’re exhausted and can’t work as well. It’s obvious that all these handicaps leads to less efficiency. So here I am stuck paying for tired and warn out electricity.

My house is older than her swanky digs. Everybody knows that it’s harder to push electricity through older wires. What I might need to get to that GREAT ranking is Electricmucil.

Of course none of this helps me with the Sunday worship. I know what’s going through her prideful GREAT mind. As she stares at the back of my head, I know one unChristian thought will be pervasive. Do you think she’s will humbly come before God and acknowledge her sinful pride about being GREAT? Of course not. She’s thinking, “I’m Great and that schlep in front of me is just a poor mediocre, ‘good.’ ” See, I told you it was an ugly story.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Comments on this story can be sent to editorial@observertoday.com.

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