Editor’s note: This is the first of a two parts.

This is the third article on Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy and Addiction. I would like to publicly thank the following people who helped me learn addiction and recovery over the past 38 years. First, Glen Hooted, who was in charge of the CD unit at Gowanda in the 1970s and ’80s. Next, Dave Rix, whom I worked with at Gowanda and Cassadaga in the ’90s. Finally, Kate Collins, longtime supervisor and friend, who was in charge of the CD unit in Gowanda, Cassadaga and Derby in the ’90s and early 2000s. Thanks for teaching me my craft.

Now, to the 13 irrational beliefs that people in addiction have difficulty with. These beliefs are prevalent in our society. However, people in addiction intensify, think frequently of them and have them last in duration. In this article, I will discuss “self talk” or what you tell yourself about people, events, the past or situations.

Self talk happens in milliseconds and has a lot to do with taking a drink or getting high. REBT tires to teach clients to think about thinking. Things continues to hold true because what you think and feel has a lot to do with how you behave. This continues to amaze me because the standard, “people, places and things” are merely triggers and not the core beliefs that continue to lead to relapse after relapse and treatment after treatment. So, here goes the first seven of the 13 beliefs:

1. I must be loved and approved of by every significant person, and if not, it’s awful. Client self-talk is often “I couldn’t stand it if he/she were mad at me, or I’m afraid to ask her for a date.” The core of this irrational belief is fear of rejection or disappointment by others.

Women, in particular, because of our society and sex roles have difficulty with this in recovery because a women without a man/partner is an unfinished product. In rational terms, I teach it would be desireable to concentrate on self respect and on loving instead of needed to be loved.

2. When other behave badly or unfairly, they should be blamed, reprimanded or punished. They are bad or rotten individuals. Client self talk is often, “I’ll get back at him/her or he/she shouldn’t have done that to me.” The elements of irrational thinking here are the person is to be condemned or the person must be fair or the person is bad. In REBT, we teach behaviors, not people are rated and people are not truly their behavior. Thus we separate the person and their behavior.

3. It’s awful when things are not the I’d like them to be. Client self talk is usually, “I won’t be treated fairly, and if he/she does that one more time I’ll lose my mind.” The words “always,” “never” and “can’t” pop up often in rational terms. It’s too bad things are often no the way one would like them to be, but never awful, terrible or horrible like society says. Acceptance is the key here … serenity prayer.

4. I should’ve been very anxious about events that are uncertain or potentially dangerous. Cliet self-talk is usually, what do you mean, relax” or it could happen or I can’t think of anything else. I teach we don’t get guarantees in our lives and demanding certainty can cause great distress in intensity, frequency and duration. In rational terms, one would face the danger or fear and tell yourself at this point there is no proof and render it non-damaging.

5. I am not worthwhile unless I am thoroughly competent and achieving at all times or at least most of the time in at least one major area. Self talk usually is “What an idiot I am” or “I am not smart enough for college or a good job.” I hear this often and it is connected to a strong fear of failure. The person believes that if he or she does not succeed that they are failures, not that they simply failed at a task. This pattern creates depression and anxiety. It is better to do than need to do well.

6. There has got to be a perfect solution to this problem. I must be certain and have perfect control over things. Client self talk is “How can I be sure? Isn’t this risky or I just can’t make a decision.” The two parts to this belief are a perfect solution and perfect control over the problem. People with this belief project blame on others for not helping or finding the answers. Our world is one of probability, but life can still be enjoyed.

7. The world should be fair and just. Client self talk is “You can’t tell me what to do” or “Why does this always happen to me?” This irrational belief signifies demandingness and unwillingness to accept the world as it is. In rational terms, the world is often unfair and good guys and girls sometimes do die. Accepting this fact and enjoying life are key.

Next week, I will focus on points eight to 13.

Mike Tramuta has been a Chautauqua Alcohol and Substance Abuse Council counselor for more than 30 years and currently runs the REBT program on Thursday nights at the Holy Trinity Parish Center in Dunkirk from 7 to 8:15 p.m. He can be reached at 983-1592.