What a wreck the blame game can be
Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam recently had some racist problems.A yearbook picture of him either in blackface or in a KKK hood didn’t do him any political favor. It didn’t take long for other Democrats to call for his resignation. It was said that “They threw him under the bus.” The history of that idiom pretty much means, “To betray someone for selfish reasons.”
Adam was the first to do it. When God condemned Adam for eating the forbidden fruit he said, “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I did eat.” There it was. He threw Eve under the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He had to because there weren’t any buses in the Garden. Being a toxically masculine man myself, I’m not too proud of Adam’s historic weasel words. But they make it obvious that he was a real man.
Many of us remember the famous words,“Et, tu, Brutus” uttered by Julius Caeser as he was about to be assassinated or, as we would say today, “Thrown Under the Chariot.” It makes me wonder about the discerning powers of Caeser. If you had an associate named Marcus Brutus, wouldn’t that name alone raise your antenna about a guy who could be a possible threat?
One of the most famous of all traitors was Benedict Arnold. During the Revolution against England, he made a deal to undermine and betray the security of the military stronghold West Point. One could say that he tossed George Washington under his Monument.
Finally, the most recent example of “bus tossing” is of local interest; and it’s a Double Jeopardy. The Board of Directors of Brooks Hospital has decided to move their new hospital to Fredonia. One can say that after 121 years, the Board of Directors has decided to abandon the city of its origin and tossed Dunkirk under the Ambulance.
The double whammy is also for Fredonia. The Brooks’ directors say about their new home, “Here’s a great idea. Let’s move our hospital to the busiest intersection in Chautauqua County and throw Fredonia under Emergency Truck.”And what a bonus. With the coming roundabout, the new hospital will have a nearby readymade source of business. Finally, how about topping-off the roof with a 500-foot windmill?
¯ AOC, also known as Congresswoman Anastasia Ocasio-Cortez, recently elaborated on the main points of the Green New Deal. This is a plan to make the earth great again by getting rid of all evil carbon-based energy sources. She also favors ridding us of things like cars, planes, and farting cows. If we don’t take immediate action, AOC says life on earth will end in 2031. Since she believes that the world is going to end in 12 years, her Green New Deal is to be implemented in 10 years, which, fortunately, is just in time.
One of the goals of the Green New Deal is to end air travel in 10 years. Along with that goal is to reduce cow flatulence which contains that evil gas methane. Planes and cows are becoming a deadly combo according to our new boss AOC.
These goals could really put a crimp in my flight plans. That’s because I was thinking of changing the nature of my support animal that I take on board. I was hoping to trade my alligator in for a cow but, with the Green New Deal coming along, a flatulent cow onboard an airplane could end the world before 2031.
Being ever-concerned about my carbon footprint, I may have figured out a solution that would help the Green New Dealers achieve two goals with one action. The new greenies also want to bless the earth with more trees to absorb greenhouse gases from the air. How about planting a tree in the southern end of a cow. Voila — less methane; the growth of a new tree and no bovine emissions. With that plan, we can all live happily ever after in the most perfect environment since the Garden of Eden with AOC directing our way to an eternal paradise on earth.
¯ Have you ever seen a TV commercial that makes you wonder just how stupid you are? I have. The latest Matthew McCaughnehay ad did that for me. But after a great deal of study, I believe I’ve distilled its essence.
First of all, just spelling his name demands a master’s degree. Once I struggled to achieve that goal, I watched his TV ad several times. Keep this analysis handy the next time you see it. You’ll understand the meaning of the ad and its greatness.
The first scene shows MMc sitting at a table with several men and women. Words said are virtually unintelligible but that’s not important. You get the message. If you are as good looking as MMc, you can utter nonsense and no one cares because they are enamored by his presence.
In the next scene, we see MMc staring at something. What it is doesn’t matter. The fact that he’s gorgeous is what counts, staring or not.
Then we see a pool table, an overhead light, and a man in silhouette looking at the table. The scene is designed to make you long for another glimpse at MMc. You realize that you need more than just his darkened form even though it is perfect.
Next, the camera gives us another closeup of our man holding a pool cue. He takes a shot. The ball begins to spin and curve around the table. Then our heart is broken as he glances away to the left and we see what he sees. We lose sight of MMc but we have hope.
We now see what MMc was staring at. It is ordinary for him, but not for us ordinary dorky guys to have two women smiling with drinks in hand staring at MMc. What’s surprising is that it’s only two women drooling in his presence. One would expect millions.
The next thing we see and hear is a woman saying “I’ve never seen that before.” Never seen what, we wonder? Probably a man that gorgeous hitting a magnificent pool shot like no other.
The ball curves around several other pool balls in an amazing trajectory that seems impossible. Of course, it is impossible unless you’re MMc. He has supernatural powers over women and a cue ball.
Now there’s a close up of a left front car bumper given to us. I’m confused. Then we see a car on the highway. I’m still confused.
MMc comes back on camera again bringing meaning back to life. The confusion has been lifted, thank God, or better yet, thank MMc.
He’s now walking behind a car that is still unidentifiable. Back to the pool table. The cue ball hits its target and the ball falls into the pocket. Wow, he’s amazing. The ball had to take 45 seconds to finally meet its anticipated target. What a man, what a man!
We next see a car dashboard screen showing various options. Then a profile of MMc behind the wheel uttering the words “I have.” You’re right, MMc, I assume we are to think that he does have it all. He’s just so cool.
The car that he’s driving also has it all. At least that’s what I believe the message is. If you want to come close to being as cool as MMc, drive this car. Of course, you can’t have it all like MMc but you might get a sniff of it, you sad, sad troll of a man.
I guess that’s why I drive a black van. It matches my coolness. But fortunately, though I drive a van, I do not live in it down by the river.
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to email@example.com