Not quite passing the smell test

Humor: Finding happiness, naturally

The ever-chubby North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has a plan to make his country great again. It involves the populace of his nation performing at almost super-human levels. His plan will require an amazing effort on part of the average NoKo citizen. The plan is no joke.

Apparently, there is a shortage in that country of fertilizer. Therefore, their food production is down. To alleviate the shortage, Kim wants his citizens to make fertilizer and a lot of it. He has established a quota of 220 pounds a day of human waste from each citizen. Obviously, that goal is ridiculous. Kim must think that the average citizen as full of it as he is.

This human waste goal provides the US with a great opportunity to reduce our trade imbalance. The House and the Senate along with the Executive branch of our government has a bottomless source of what Kim wants from his people. At a nickel per pound of what comes out of Washington everyday, the mountainous piles inside the beltway could reduce our deficit to zero.

One certain reservoir for meeting this quota would be Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. She proved that her wealth of fertilizer is there for the taking when she declared that in 12 years, life on earth will end due to climate change. She added to her load when she set a goal of ending air travel with high speed trains. Then AOC added to her riches for North Korea when she explained that we could build tunnels for high speed trains tying together all the cities of the U.S. So, in a few years, when you’re in bed and the house shakes, don’t worry, it’s just the Lake Erie Express midnight run to Cleveland rumbling beneath your basement.

Democrat presidential contender Beto O’Rourke is another campaigner producing a lot of fertilizer. He has a name Robert which apparently is embarrassing to him. He has apologized for his white privilege with taking Beto as his acquired nickname. Not being a legitimate Latino, Texas ought to apologize for giving this guy a national platform.

But if you’re a Democrat, there’s not a greater source of North Korean fertilizer than one of President Trump’s rallies. There’s enough production in 2 hours there to fuel not only the North Koreans but all of Asia.

¯ Mayor Bill DeBlasio of New York City is instituting a new public school program. That’s because he’s a progressive thinker and he knows how other people should spend their money better than they do. So, I guess New Yorkers can say Thank Mayor Bill along with Andrew Cuomo rather than God for future blessings.

Since our impending human extinction is only 12 year away, DeBlasio figures we should do something to stop it. We can’t stop cows from farting but if we could eliminate cows, then they can’t fart. See what an amazing thinker he is?

So, here’s Mayor Bill’s plan. The public school’s cafeteria offerings in the Big Apple will feature Meatless Mondays. The demand for meat will lessen the number of cows needed. Therefore we can live on earth perhaps a few more days. And the air will smell better, too.

When I heard of that plan, I realized that I am even more of a progressive thinker than Mayor Bill. Here’s my proposal that I am sending to him and he can even take credit for it. I just want to save the earth. That’s the kind of guy that I am. It’s the least I can do after this column’s nonsense has cost the lives of too many trees.

Let’s have Turnip Tuesdays, Watercress Wednesdays, Tangy Tomato Thursdays, Fennel Fridays (boy, that’s going to be a tough one. Probably, a lot of absences on that day). And for the weekend, we can iPhone spy on the kids at home to see if they’re honoring Squash Saturday, and Swiss Chard Sundays.

¯ According to the latest happy, happy people survey, the nation of Finland is the happiest country in the world and the U.S. is only the 19th happiest. I think that it’s pretty easy to explain why we Americans are a pretty boohoo group of grumblers. Just think of what Finlanders don’t have to put up with.

1. Annual excuses from coaches of why the Bills and the Sabres didn’t make the playoffs.

2. They don’t have to listen to a numbskull congresswoman explain why babies might be good thing to avoid having, especially when the world’s going to end in a few years. Of course, not having babies would cut down on carbon emissions from birthday cake candles, which in turn, would prevent a polar bear from sliding into the ocean from his melting ice flow sanctuary. At least that would make American polar bear lovers happier and possibly move America to number 18.

¯ Scientists in France, utilizing robots, have allowed two different species to communicate with one another. Fish that are in Switzerland and bees in Austria were able to sort of talk to each other. How cool is that? My guess was that those two animals wouldn’t have much, if anything, to share with one another, but apparently I am wrong. Thanks to my vast research staff, I can share with you what the fish and bees said to one another making the universe even greater again. What I discovered was that fish are quite unhappy. See for yourself.

Here’s what the fish said to his friend the bee. “I’m sick of being wet. I’m always wet. I have no idea what it’s like to be dry but I see guys fishing for me and they’re dry and it looks pretty nice. Another complaint I have is the smell. I hate the smell of fish. Frankly, I think fish stink. I wish we had a deodorant for fish. Man, if you’ve ever smelled a barracuda when he’s been swimming around in the sun, you’d be looking for a hook to grab on to.

“And look at my lips. Fish lips are not the best looking lips in the world or even in the ocean. Even though they’re too fleshy, fish lips are better than a shark’s mouth. Don’t let that info out because I could be a snack if a shark really knew what I thought of his appearance.”

Apparently, a bees life isn’t any better than that of a fish. Here’s what the bee told the fish. “Nobody realizes how exhausting it is to fly around making that buzzing sound. Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, all day long. Beating my wings like a maniac just to stay in the air because I’m like a bowling ball trying to fly. All that buzzing and flying is tiring. I need a nap, but I can’t take a nap because the buzzing keeps me awake.

“Flying and buzzing is tough enough but don’t get me started on pollen. if you’ve ever tasted pollen, you won’t want to taste it again. Yuck. And that’s my job, collecting pollen, Exciting, ooh, I get to gather pollen. You might not think it but pollen makes me sneeze. Of course, the reason why you might not hear me sneeze is because of the racket I’m making by buzzing.

“Honey tastes alright but not 24/7. I’d like to taste something else than honey and pollen. What’s a worm taste like? Or a bug. You fish get to eat some meat but I’m stuck with you know what.

“Got to go now. We bees must obey the Queen. I just received a message that The Queen is demanding my presence. Don’t get me started on her Highness. You fish have it made. You guys don’t have to deal with royalty other than the occasional King Crab. I’ll take my chances with him any day. Very frankly, Her Majesty is a big pain in the stinger.”

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of the month.