In the field of chemical dependency, we counselors live with denial, lapses, relapses and thank God, sobriety. This article will not spread great information to counselors, because all counselors know what I’m about to talk about. For the reader, that is uninformed, this article could help clarify another thinking pattern.

A “lapse,” where a drink or drug has been impulsively taken, is not a relapse, but a lapse of judgment. The client isn’t off the hook, because even a lapse is a full-fledged conscious decision to drink or use. Usually, if a client calls their counselor or sponsor and states, “I screwed up, I need help,” this gets him or her back on the train. Lapses, like relapses, are a normal part of recovery. However, they are not mandatory.

Unlike a lapse, a relapse is going against a decision to not drink or use again. A relapse is conscious and may be long-term. The defense mechanisms of addiction protect relapses and keep people sick. The “big question” that REBT asks and I’ve used for years is “Are you done?”

When I ask this question, I usually get a blank stare and something like, “I don’t know,” or “I guess I’ll start sobriety over again,” or “I’ve got to be more careful,” or “why would you ask me that?” All these statements tell me “you are not done.”

The big question asks the client that no matter what happens, chemical use is not in the cards, now, or in the future. For many of our clients, the negative consequences of their addiction are overwhelming. Jail, institutions, death, broken families, job losses, health problems. The big question upsets addiction. The addiction wants to stay in control. “When the consequences of ones addiction become this great, the urge to use will never be greater.”

In other words, “if this is bottom, then a person has hit it.” Can some people continue to use even at bottom, the answer is “yes” because clients can find “trap doors” to continue their addiction if they haven’t answered the big question honestly and with a commitment to the recovery process. The big question scares the daylights out of anyone’s addiction because it is based on deprivation and destruction, the idea of “no more anything” is a death threat to the individual.

People report anxiety, stomachaches, headaches and stress caused by the addictive voice in ones head screaming protest over declaring a decision to never, ever, use alcohol or other drugs again. It is a covenant with oneself, a person is saying “I’m willing to suffer as much as it takes to get better.” The REBT thinking of “no pain, no gain,” is what we live by. This is just my opinion, minimizing pain in clients, or softening the blow, in the long run usually keeps people sick. We say “short term pain, for long term gain.” No shortcuts.

Will this work for everyone? The answer is “no,” but planting seeds that may grow later on is the key. When we “give in” to things like harm reduction, we as counselors are keeping people sick. No one does this on purpose, because I truly believe that counselors are feeling that they are doing their best to help their clients. However when clients are allowed to continue to relapse without intervention or are discharged without being sober, then we have a problem. Where do I get my information from? I get it from clients that are in treatment in rehabs and come to my REBT group on Thursday nights for the past 11 years.

In REBT we use “sobriety rehearsals.” We try to prepare clients for vulnerable moments. It is important to know two things to manage relapses: 1. You can always refuse to drink or drug in the first place because you have a “free will,” and 2. You can stop any time you choose to if you have had something. Imagine you have been forced at gunpoint to have good-sized drink, and the gunman leaves you locked in a room with a supply of alcohol and other drugs as well as a supply of food and water. You can proceed to get drunk or decide that you will not make matters worse by continuing to drink. Imagine how you would feel when help comes if you were drunk or sober. This is as simple as REBT can make it. So the next question is “what does REBT think sobriety is?”

Sobriety is the ability to manage frustration, anger and settle differences without violence or destruction.

Sobriety is patience. It is the willingness to postpone instant gratification for pleasure or profit in favor of the long term goal.

Sobriety is perseverance, sweating out a project or a situation in spite of opposition or discouraging setbacks.

Sobriety is unselfishness, responding to the needs of others.

Sobriety is the capacity to face unpleasantness and disappointment without being bitter.

Sobriety is the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.

Sobriety is the gift of remaining calm in the face of chaos.

Sobriety is humility. A sober person is able to say,” I was wrong.” A sober person also says, “I’m sorry,” and when proven correct, doesn’t have to say, “I told you so.”

Sobriety is the ability to make and act on that decision and take full responsibility for the outcome.

Sobriety is the ability to live in peace with that which we cannot change.

Sobriety means dependability, integrity and keeping ones word. The unsober have excuses for everything. They are chronically tardy, the no-shows, the gutless wonders who fold in the crises. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, unfinished business, and former friends.

Sobriety is the taking and putting into our lives AA, NA, REBT, meetings, sponsorship, outpatient, inpatient, halfway houses, volunteer work and the 12 steps to recovery of the self-help groups of AA and NA.

Sobriety is self-discipline.

Finally, I want to give a head’s up to a new Al-Anon, Nar-Anon family group at the Fredonia Grange Hall, 58 W. Main St., Fredonia from 2 to 3 p.m. on Sundays. I would recommend this group because the people running the group have “been there,” and are a throwback to the fundamentals of Alanon from years ago. Any questions, call Mary Grace at 785-7883.

Mike Tramuta has been a CASAC counselor for more than 30 years and currently runs the REBT program on Thursday nights at the Holy Trinity Parish Center from 7 to 8:15 p.m. Call 983-1592 for more information.