I saw a commercial for a car the other day that featured a young lady floating over a lake holding onto a tiny red balloon. That was her means of transportation, a tiny red balloon. Added to that scene of the red balloon was a printed warning, “do not attempt.” Son of a gun, I was just about to head to the store for a red balloon and float off to Canada across Lake Erie when that warning came on and ruined my plans. Oh well, I guess I’ll just cut the lawn. No trip to Canada today.

The next day, I saw another commercial for a financial plan. There was a voiceover on the scene where a financial planner was explaining financial thingies to a woman. The planner said the following, “So much of our future is ahead of us.” See what I mean? Thank god for the elite thinkers in our society because I, and other rubes out there in the flyover states, may have thought some of our future is behind us. Leave it to the coastal intellects to know where the future is on our human timeline.

The next scene in the commercial should include the following. The customer is seen shopping for a new financial planner because she realized that a doofus was planning her future with some of it already in the rearview mirror.

The latest insult to our intelligence came from our friends at Geico. A wife is inquiring whether her husband was feeling pressure about buying a new home. He’s at the kitchen grill frying up food while juggling and tossing about a series of sharp bladed knives. He’s doing this to relax but we are, of course, too stupid to watch this without a warning, “do not attempt this.” Put down the knives, Bubba, they’re too sharp for your dull mind.

¯ Well, finally, the Mueller report has been issued so from now on, we may only hear the word “collusion” 84 times a day. You may have heard that the report has a whole lot of redactions. So, now we’ll hear that word at least 20 times a day. But, through the efforts of my vast research team, I can now divulge to you some of the redactions that were found dotting the Mueller Report. As you will see, they are so horrific, that the American people had to be protected from their destructive nature. President Trump once again unloaded on his deep state enemies. He was very hurtful to those patriotic leaders who were trying to protect the American people from those rascally Russians.

Here’s one that President Trump directed at former FBI Director James Comey. It would’ve devastated the prim and proper Comey if he had seen it in the Washington Post. I doubt that he reads the Observer so I can release it to you, my loyal supporters. Trump said to Comey, “Yo momma’s so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

Trump slammed special counsel, the venerable Robert Mueller himself, with this. “Yo momma’s so stupid, that when they said order in the court, she asked for fries and a shake.” Can you imagine the horror that would’ve shaken the distinguished special counsel had this not been redacted?

Former intelligence man, the esteemed James Clapper, was blasted by the President with this broadside. “Yo momma’s so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.” Just terrible!

Disgraced FBI man Andrew McCabe was fired but that didn’t stop Trump from giving him this parting shot. ” Yo momma’s so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund.” Absolutely despicable.

Then the President went after Peter Strok, the fired FBI guy and his illicit affair FBI girlfriend Lisa Page. This was so unfair of the President.” Yo girlfriend’s so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.” She’s cuter than that.

Even Crooked Hillary didn’t escape the barbs that had to be redacted. Trump slammed the “smartest woman” in the world with, “Yo, Hillary, you’re so stupid, I hear you went to the dentist for a bluetooth.” That was terribly disrespectful to a woman who has solely dedicated her life to improve the welfare of all the people of the world. We all have to be so pleased that the redaction provided and protected Hillary from suffering that insult. I doubt if she reads this column being that she’s the smartest woman in the world. She probably reads Proust on a Sunday afternoon following her weekly sabbath morning Bible study. You go, girl, as Oprah would say a long time ago.

¯ The Mirriam -Webster Dictionary added some new words in 2018. I found a few of them quite interesting. Here’s a new word- chiweenie. That’s a name for a new breed of dog; a chihuahua and a dachshund. Kind of cute. I like it.

Genetic manipulation is exploding around the world so we better get used to new names and new creations of animals. We’re going to make life created by God even better. What could possibly go wrong?

Let me put these names out there now for the future genetic glorious creatures. How about a gorwawa. That’s a chihuahua and a gorilla. That would be a pet that yips at an intruder before he tears their arm off.

How about a gatorgup swimming around in your backyard pool? That would be a mix of a cute guppie-like pool playmate with a gator part to eat the neighbors when they sneak into the pool when you’re away.

Who could resists the charms of a pandamander? That would be a cute cuddly panda bear joined with a salamander. If you haven’t attended to enough political news for the day, you can pet pandamander to gather your daily dose of slime, and go to the panda for a reassuring hug.

¯ The scientists at the Xenon Collaborator Research Team claim to have witnessed the slowest event to have ever been observed. They actually saw a xenon 124 atom break apart. They say that it should only happen once in about 13,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years and a few more than that.

Well, they say that it’s the slowest event but I’ve got a few more that may take even longer to ever change. Consider these and you probably could add some of your own to the list.

First, how about the miraculous event of the few miles on the thruway east of Silver Creek actually being paved to allow one to drive along without breaking teeth.

Add a few more zeroes on to that xenon number and the Buffalo Bills could win a Super Bowl. Add a few more zeros and the Sabres might win the Stanley Cup. Nah, back off that. Let’s just settle for the playoffs.

How about this one? The population of Chautauqua County goes up. Actually, the sun will become a cinder long before that could happen.

This is a certainty. The Congressional investigations into the 2016 election will still be ongoing looking into Russia’s involvement.

Hillary the Trillionth loses her campaign to become Empress of Galaxy Orion. She blames her loss on collusion between her opponent and the Klingons. And the piece de resistance, the greatest event to easily take longer than the xenon 124 atom split would be OJ’s search for the real killers.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com

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