It’s tough being dealt Trump card

This is a sad story that is bound to be repeated many times before November 2020. No doubt you’ll be hearing the shrieks of horror all throughout your neighborhood.

Unless you’ve been in a cave the past few months, you know that an election is coming next year. We still have 15 more months to deal with the wisdom of Beto O’Rourke. In fact, even if you’ve been in a cave, I’m certain that the annoying articulations of Elizabeth Warren, Donald Trump, and Kirsten Gillibrand would probably reach you through the walls of granite, limestone, and bat poop.

The irritating election campaign has already claimed its first victim. A 46-year-old woman in Palmetto, Fla., recently stabbed herself in the stomach three times because she’s “tired of living in Trump’s country.” I can understand that. When you hear the head-shaking references about Trump receiving beautiful letters from Kim Jung Un, you may look for sharp objects. Un has a tank filled with piranhas to execute political opponents. I doubt that a guy who is entertained by watching adversaries being eaten would pen a letter oozing with literary beauty.

Stabbing oneself is a bit extreme but I get the same inclinations to do harm when I see a few of the 2020 Trump opponents.

Beto, with his approval ratings of two, garnered from his wife and mother, is not much of a threat. He is usually apologizing for being a white man with privilege. I want to smash a finger when I simply get a glimpse of the Bobby Kennedy wannabe. But not mine.

As I look at the recent polls and take note that Warren is creeping up, I begin to sharpen my chainsaw. Maybe it’s time to take it to our smart TV which is continually losing IQ points as the campaign goes on.

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Oh boy, President Trump stirred up a hornet’s nest a few weeks ago. That was when he said, in an Oval Office interview, that he would listen to a foreign national who might have dirty information on a political opponent.

The campaign law says, “it’s illegal for any person to solicit, accept, or receive anything of value from a foreign national.” The big problem is assessing the value of information. What’s of value and who decides?

For example, what if a guy named Boris Bastenov, a sneaky, sleazy, trouble-making Russian agent, pops out from behind a tree with a sneer and a wily mustache. “This trouble-maker comes up to Donald Trump on the golf course and says, “Pssst, Mr. President, I know somesing of value about your political enemies.”

(Let me interject here. Somesing is how sleazy Russian spies say “something”).

So Boris tells Trump that he has some dirt on Bernie Sanders that may help the President to continue to make America great again. Then our Commander in Chief says to Boris, “Oh yeah? Sounds beautiful, What you got, buddy?” Boris tells him that, “Bernie was known in second grade as a tutti pettuti.” Now, considering the language in the campaign law, what’s that info worth from a foreign source?

I would say that it’s probably worth a nickel. So for a nickel’s worth of opposition information, do you see Trump calling up the heads of all of our intelligence and law enforcement agencies to tell them that tutti pettuti stuff. I don’t think so.

On the other hand, someone like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez might see that tutti pettuti information of such value that Trump should face a firing squad along with Ivanka.

But, what if Boris tells him that Bernie still picks his nose and that he has a video of it? Now, what’s that worth? This could swing some women’s votes who generally are abhorred by men’s nose activities. This may also ingratiate Bernie to some guys who think he’s too much of a dandy. I’d say this info about picking could be worth, oh maybe, about $1.23. Is that enough to call the FBI? It might because during a debate Trump could hand Bernie a hankie and tell him to use it rather than “pick your nose like usual.” Those sleazy-meddling Russians.

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President Trump recently received a letter from North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. Trump described it as a beautiful letter. We don’t know what was in it but we do know that Kim jung Un just received an “excellent letter” from President Trump. Through the relentless digging of my vast research staff, I can now reveal to you the content of Trump’s letter to Kim.

Dear Kimmy,

I feel as though I know you well enough to call you Kimmy. We’re fantastic friends so if you want to call me Donny, feel free to do so. It would be nice. The days of calling you Little Rocket Man are over as far as I’m concerned even though they were fun times.

Hey Kimmy, I just got a town in Israel named after me. It’s called Trump Heights. How cool is that? You and I are going to take our respective countries to new heights. Very appropriate.

Maybe you should have a place in your country named after you. In fact, you could name the whole country after yourself. How cool is that? You could name it Unville.

It must be really cool being a dictator. If I was one, I could call up Fancy Nancy Pelosi and Chuckie Schumer. “Hey, why don’t you two come on over to the White House for some fantastic lunch? We’ll talk business, relax, and have a great time. It’ll be fabulous.”

Then those two losers walk in and sit down for a cup of coffee and who shows up , a cousin of Tony Soprano. Bada Bing! End of opposition to building the wall because now Fancy Nancy and Chuckie are part of my beautiful wall. No more trouble from those two.

You’re a lucky guy Kim. You can get rid of anybody you want. If anybody objects about anything, in your piranha tank they go. Next time I come to Unville, I’d like to check it out. Maybe I’ll bring Pocohantas with me.

Speaking of getting rid of things, how about getting rid of your nukes and be a real good friend?

See you soon,

Donny

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Many scientists believe we are on the doorstep of contacting alien civilizations from other parts of the universe. This has caused many to be concerned on how we should respond to contact from an alien civilization.

Let’s say I receive a message on my cell phone that says, “Hello, Plutonian, how are you guys doing on Pluto?” Obviously, I’d be shocked because usually my messages claim to be someone from the IRS who is about to crash down my door because I owe them $10.00 from picking berries in 1951.

So the questions is, should I respond to these alien idiots because I’m an earthling and not a Plutonian? Perhaps these aliens just sent a message to the wrong planet. Do you really want to deal with such stupid aliens who can’t get their planets right?

Maybe I’m being too hard on these alien guys. After all, how would they know that I am an Earthling? Would I have the right to speak for all earthlings just because they had my phone number? Would I have the authority to invite them here? And if they visit here, do they get guaranteed free healthcare? I can’t speak for all the earth and have the earth’s ERs filled with guys complaining of crinoid impactuation whatever the heck that is.

And what about voting rights and driver’s licenses? Do they get the right to vote just because they flew through time and space to get here? If they traveled trough 80 million light-years of space, that’s a pretty impressive accomplishment. Do they automatically get a driver’s license because of that? I know they would in New York state but what about nearby Pennsylvania?

What if they have tentacles? Ick! I don’t like tentacles. I’m sure that denying all these rights to the aliens from the planet Tentacalia will label one as a specists, a bigot, a tentaphobist, and a antitentacaliaic.

As you can see, it’s a very complex issue and we’ve barely broken the surface. But there’s one human who I know would welcome aliens, tentacles and all. That’s Hillary. She would start campaigning to be their President before their UFO’s engines cooled.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com

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