Mourning the snowflakes while fining big mouths

I think that I need to spice up my image after a lot of years of just being a boring old ex-nerdy science teacher. I need a mysterious name like Mitt Romney just incorporated into his lack-luster image.

He always had the unexciting presence of a piece of white-bread politician. But now he has the hip and intriguing twitter name of Pierre Delecto. No sooner do you read that, you smirk, don’t you? You’re thinking what a dufus, right?

Anthony Weiner attached to his perverted character a social media name of Carlos Danger. He was a danger alright; to young female children. So if you see me around town, from now on I’m the powerful man of action and intrigue. Just call me Delecto Danger, a man of intrigue and a man of mystery. I’m a danger to increase the silliness of the world.

¯ The environmental wokeness has ascended, or descended, to a new level; you decide. The following story is actually true. About 250 woke Swiss ice worshippers gathered in the mountains of Switzerland for a glacier’s funeral. That’s right folks, a memorial service for ice that tends to move pretty slowly.

Due to warming conditions in the Swiss Alps the Pizol glacier melted away. Just a bit of snow is all that remains of a once proud glacier that some say was a glacieret because of its tiny size.

Apparently, Pizol died before it could gain an indisputable glacier status. It was just a kid with promise cut down by the evil hand of warmth. According to my research staff of impeccable integrity, three men and three woman carried a bathtub of Pizol in its final liquid form with a few chunks of ice tossed in to remind the worshippers of its former glory. Pastor Hans gave the eulogy of which we have a few of his sentimental comments about Pizol as he stood over the bathtub.

“The few tears that I shed today represent the millions around the world that were shed over your demise, Pizol. The tears that drop into your remains will go with you as we spread them into the river below to live on forever in the oceans. But my hope is that some of you will evaporate and come back as rain to wash me with your glory.”

“You were born as a crystalline snowflake that fell from the sky: your womb of creation. How delicate you were as you fell gently to your crib. It was there that you were joined by millions of other delicate flakes over the years to become the once magnificent presence that commanded this mountain. A lesser flake than you would have grown to mere permafrost. However, you were a champion and glistened into a glorious field of whiteness and awesome natural glass.”

“Your greatness that was to be was cut short by the evils of belching factories, locomotives, automobiles, and farting cows. As you faded away, you did it with grace. And now we say goodbye to Pizol the Proud “

“Let me borrow from the lyrics of B.J. Thomas who sang ‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.’ This is for you Pizol though you are melted, you will live on into the vast world living as liquid and vapor. Hit it guys. ‘Tear drops keep falling from my head, Dear Pizol, you’re melted, liquid and dead.’ ”

¯ This is rather strange. Madrid Spain has declared war on parakeets. First of all, I am sort of a dunderhead when it comes to parakeets. I never thought of the fact that parakeets live in the wild like any other bird. I have only ever pictured them in cages speaking a few words like,” lock her up.”

Apparently Madrid, Spain has decided that these wild birds have become a nuisance and they plan to eliminate 12,000 parakeets. After considering this decision by Spanish officials, I now can understand how thousands of parakeets could become a problem. Imagine what it sounds like when all these birds start shouting, “cutie” and “sweet,” again and again. Even least 12,000 rats know enough to shut up.

¯ Professional football player Richie Ingognito was recently fined for two nasty plays against the Chicago Bears. He did a chop block on an opponent and was unnecessarily rough with somebody else. He was fined $21,054. Huh? I can understand a $20,000 fine. Maybe a $21,000 fine but I wonder how did the extra 54 bucks pop up? Maybe he was super-unnecessarily rough. Maybe he growled like a bear and mocked his opponent, which the league frowns upon. “How’s that Buddy? Who’s the bear now?” No doubt that would deserve a fine.

Statements like that are not very nice in the NFL. You can give a guy a concussion; You can hit him in the head; injure his neck and paralyze him; that’s OK. You don’t get fined for that. But, you’re going to get a 15-yard penalty if you TAUNT some one. NO TAUNTING is allowed in the NFL because even though the guys are 350 pound brutes, league officials draw the line when it comes to injuring feelings. Indeed one’s feelings could be hurt if an opponent goes, “Naugh, naugh, na nana, nana. You’re a loser.” The NFL does not want to see a huge behemoth of a man break down and sob on the field because of taunting.

There could be super taunting where a, Your Mama jokes are leveled at an opponent. “Yo, your mama’s so ugly, when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application.” A referee hearing that would throw a penalty flag, “That’s going to cost you 54 bucks, mister.”

¯ There’s a new sleep aid on the market for those of you who have difficulty in that nighttime endeavor. It’s a robot called Somnox. It is supposed to help you go to sleep and stay asleep. It’s not a freaky looking humanoid-type creature that you would shudder at shareing your bed. It is somewhat like a kidney-shaped pillow that you can hug and fall asleep with the sweet little thing in your arms.

Being the thrifty guy that I am, I went to the Dollar Private store and bought Snorex for $9.99. I wasn’t going to be fooled into spending $600 for any stupid pillow robot. That didn’t turn out to be such a good idea.

First of all, it was shaped more like an appendix and its wormy structure made it a bit unsettling to hug. I put Snorex in the bed and immediately he complained that the mattress was too soft. He preferred a firm so instead of sleeping I had to listen to the robot grumble and complain as he tried to get comfortable. After a few minutes of bewailing his plight to be assigned to me, we settled down for what I thought was the night but that was short-lived.

After a few minutes of shut eye, Snorex elbowed me saying that he had to use to bathroom. That prompted an argument as I tried to explain to him that he’s a robot and that robots don’t need to use bathrooms. That was reserved for human men to use every 20 minutes.

Snorex insisted that I at least take him into the bathroom where he could pretend to use it. That seemed to placate him. Now, being wide awake, he insisted on watching a little bit of a “Friends” rerun. That was OK with me as there was no threat of laughing at six actors who are not funny pretending to be funny.

Unfortunately, Snorex chuckled through a set of painful episodes until about 2 AM where Ross was whining about Rachel. Finally, we turned off the TV when Snorex tried to engage me into a political discussion over his choice of Democratic candidates. He turned out to be a huge supporter of Elizabeth Warren, because Darling Liz understood the plight of sleep robots. Liz claims to be a 1/1024 genetically modified Cherokee sleep robot. Her proof is her high cheekbones, frantic arm flagellations, and rechargeable battery pack. She needs those volts to maintain her ernest devotion to serve all Americans including all Republican racists, homophobes, and gender phobes.

I finally got Snorex to shut up and slept like baby, waking up every two hours crying. Snorex went back in the morning and let the people at Dollar Private deal with his nagging.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second weekend of each month. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com