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Finally reaching the Promised Land for golf

I have to apologize for the delay in getting this article to you. I was at the roundabout hoping to watch the state workers put the finishing touches on the structure but once again, I was disappointed.

I was hoping to see it happen before the Tyrannousauras (Terry) Trump presidency, (grandson of Donald) ends, but that looks like a hopeless timeline to complete. After nary seeing one orange cone taken away to the traffic cone retirement home, I returned to my laptop to complete this award-winning mini-tome.

But on my return home, to add the final brilliant stroke of the keyboard to this article, I was delayed by construction traffic going in and out of the site of the new Brooks Hospital. I’m just kidding. I can’t even find bacteria working on that new hospital site. If a deer carcass is lying out there, turkey buzzards would refuse to fly into the awaiting buffet because of the No Work Zone. Oh well, there’s the 22nd century hospital to plan for. So, on to the subject at hand.

Did you see the Fox News Alert? I finally did it. My dad started me at the age of 10 and it has taken a long lifetime to finally do it. What’s that you say? I got a hole in one. I shutter to think of how many golf swings have come before that one swing on Aug. 10, 2020. It has to be thousands; probably 10,000 of thousands before that perfect combination of mistakes resulted in every golfer’s dream coming true.

Egads, some may say, what wasted hours of life have gone into that nonsensical exercise. You might be thinking that this guy could’ve been out there tending to the needs of the poor and disadvantaged, doing something to make the lives of impoverished victims of life better. But no, he was swinging a golf club hour after hour; chasing a little white ball around in a field trying to knock it into a hole that a gopher might have used as a doorway hundreds of years ago in Scotland.

I could’ve been writing the great American novel instead of bashing about the surface of the earth with a club and ball with dimples.

When you think about the exercise of such an endeavor, it really is nonsense. A golfer does his best to bash the ball off of a wooden tee as far as he can. And what does he do after that? He chases after it with gusto to find the ball and bash it again. And what’s even crazier, I used to practice doing this until my swing coach Roger convinced me that practice is futile.

I did some research on the Hole In One. There are a lot of historical figures who never got a hole in one, but Adam was not one of them. Scripture says nothing about his golfing skills but we can assume he was pretty good. The guy lived in the Garden of Eden where everything was perfect. According to my vast research staff, they say that every time Adam played 18 holes of golf his score was 18. Come on man, what else would a golfer shoot in paradise but a hole in one on every hole? It makes perfect sense; a perfect golf course; a perfect swing; and another perfect day of golf.

But when he and Eve ate of the fruit of the forbidden tree, his next round was a disastrous score of 112. And as any golfer worth his salt, Adam swore up a storm and here we are in a sin-filled world, where golfers have been swearing up a storm ever since.

Adam never, ever got another hole in one and, in fact ,became a hacker and died a hacker at the age of 930. It’s estimated that he played the last 900 years of his life slicing and shanking his way into golfer’s oblivion. He lost all of his balls into the Lake of Fire where he also threw his clubs and bag to destruction.

According to the extra Biblical text entitled, The Book of Tiger, Noah was a golfer. But one day God said to him, “Noah stash the clubs, I’ve got a job for you.” Noah complained, “But Lord, I’m killing my driver right now. Can’t it wait?”

God told him, “Noah I’m going to make the earth into a giant water hazard so listen up.” For 150 years Noah built the ark which was in preparation for God making the earth an unplayable lie. Just when Noah thought he was going to get to play again, it started to rain. Noah never got a hole in one.

Moses was assigned to lead his people to the Promised Land. Just from that name alone, to Moses, that sounded like it would be a golfer’s dream course. The Promised Land Country Club. He got himself a nice set of clubs assuming he’d get a hole in one or two in the Promised Land but it didn’t happen.

One thing that was a strength in his game was playing water holes. They were no threat to him. If he hit his ball into a pond, he’d grab his club, part the water, and step into the pond and blast out just like he was on the fairway. Then he’d return the pond to its original status and move on to the next hole. He wandered about in the desert for 40 years polishing his sand bunker shots. Moses struck a rock for water when he should’ve just spoken so he was denied entrance into the Promised Land and he died without ever getting a hole in one.

Another biblical figure who never got a hole in one was David. He was great at using a sling shot to bring down giants, but that talent never carried over to the golf course. Let’s admit it, he was a hacker. But after seeing Bathsheba taking a bath, he pretty much became a homebody and dumped the game of golf

Alexander the Great was known among royal despot circles back in the BC. as Alex the Hacker. Despite being a great military leader, he was called Alex the Slicer, the Hooker, and the Dubber. The guy conquered much of the world and yet, other golfers would giggle behind his back as Alex the Choker. If he had a 2-foot putt for a skin, he would miss it.

Alexander took a break from the game that was frustrating him and went out to capture a good deal of the world. That gave him the notoriety of Alexander the Pretty Good Conqueror. That title still didn’t satisfy his life-long dream of golf royalty. He built himself a 25-yard hole par 3 in Turkey and finally chipped one in during an invasion interlude. He declared it a hole in one and who was going to argue its legitimacy and retain one’s head? You get the idea, right? He went on to be known after that chip — in as Alexander the Great. Now there’s a bit of history you never knew brought to you by my vast research staff.

There are many prominent modern day figures who have never attained the glory of a hole in one. For example, Dorky Adam Schiff is one. Einstein figured out that mass can be converted into energy but a hole in one was beyond his reach. The list is long is you may surmise. Too long for us to cover. Let’s just mention one more.

Queen Elizabeth has never done it. It’s pretty obvious why. Have you ever swung a golf club while trying to balance a crown on your head? If the crown wasn’t a big enough problem, consider this factor. You can’t swing a golf club while holding a purse.

And she calls herself royalty. Pshaw. A hole-in-one is true royalty.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident whose column runs the second Sunday of the month. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com

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