Our body of work keeps changing

This is apparently is a big deal. According to the journal Anatomy, human beings are still evolving. What is even more surprising is that it’s happening at a rapid rate. These scientists have measured arteries in the human arm and have detected a noticeable change. Instead of two arteries maturing in our forearms, 35% of humans are now ending up with three arteries. Isn’t that exciting? I didn’t think so, either.

Do you mean to tell me that the best evolution can do is give us another artery in our forearm? I can think of a heck of a lot of other evolutionary improvements over what we already have. How about a tiny eye in the back of our head so we can see who’s sneaking up on us? According to that whole survival of the fittest idea, I’d think we would already have one. That rearview eye would come in real handy in the jungle. When you’re out stalking your dinner, you could become dinner for some beast who snuck up on you from behind. A third eye would be a survival advantage, right?

How about a third arm? How many times have you dragged in the groceries from the car to the house and wish you had a third arm to get the other bag? Because you have to go back out for the other bag, wham, that jungle beast nails you and now you’re one of the unsurvivables due to unfitness.

Come on, man, survival of the fittest; Charles Darwin and all that evolution business; so what are you going to do with that extra artery? I suppose we could throw a spear into a charging brontausaurus a little better. You get one of those for the family and that’s pretty good eats for a couple months. But since the bronts have gone extinct, throwing a spear into a MacDonalds to get your order of burgers and milkshakes is going to put you behind bars for a couple years. Unless you’re just protesting, then it’s cool.

I suppose an additional artery could lead to throwing a frisbee a little bit farther. That would bring some oohs and ahh at a picnic or in the dorm quad. But what are you going to bring to the table via a frisbee toss? A sparrow at best and that is not going to bring a feast to the family.

A built-in antenna in your brain would be a good evolutionary development. You could receive wifi and read your email and Facebook right there in your head. How about this? You could just think with your antenna and hack into Hunter Biden’s laptop and enjoy a bit of porn.

These scientist who are all excited about a third artery haven’t been paying attention to the demise of evolution. Look around at our politics, guys, we’re going the wrong way. Politics over the past years makes a very strong case for devolution. There’s no doubt that the chimps are gaining on us. If evolution really wants to help, get it to start growing more arteries to feed our brains that are no doubt shrinking.

How’s this for proof that we’re descending down the path to dullness? In 2010, during the Affordable Care Act controversy, Nancy Pelosi, who is just a couple heart beats away from becoming President ,said this about the Affordable Care Act. When asked about it’s details, she said, “we have to pass the bill so you can find out what’s in it.” Following that remark the species homo sapien moved one step lower on that ladder below the orangutan.

The second after Nancy said, “unemployment creates jobs,” the chimpanzee shot past the collective congressional average IQ based on that one. Unemployment creates jobs,” Whew!

During his 2008 campaign in Oregon, Barack Obama said, ” I’ve now been in 57 states and I believe I have one to go.” That one put us one step lower than Mr. Ed the Talking Horse.

“Rarely is the questioned asked: is our children learning?” That beauty came from George W. Bush in 2000. Following that one, the human race slipped below the woodchuck in my backyard.

And I don’t even have time for the 2020 campaign. Now. I’m sure we are battling the ameoba for the basement.

Story #2 Of all of America’s pastimes, baseball is a game that is loaded with statistics. Today they’re called analytics and the analytics are getting crazy.

During the recent World Series, I heard a new one.The Tampa Bay Rays rookie Randy Arozarena provided the baseball world with a new record. He was given a playoff crown of hitting 30 Hard Hit Balls. That’s right. What qualifies for hard hit can be argued but the record has been set. They could have resulted in 30 outs but, hey, at least he tried really hard.

Based on this silliness, my vast research staff discovered several more new unofficial baseball records. Cody Bellinger of the Dodgers readjusted his batting gloves 14 times in one at bat against the Braves. It didn’t help, he still struck out.

Ronald Acuna was voted to have the Best Trimmed Beard with record setting number of ballots in the first round of the playoffs.

Aaron Boone, the manager of the New york Yankees has a new playoff record due to the covid pandemic. He received an unprecedented 32 votes from the Hall of Fame committee on wearing the Most Attractive Mask of all the Baseball Managers.

Mookie Betts was awarded for having the name Mookie during a pandemic. His Mookie name is considered superior to Mookie Wilson of the New York Mets who played in the 1986 World Series. Back then, stupid records weren’t compiled, we didn’t live on hype, but we needed a pick me up during a pandemic. Way to go, Mook. He actually set another record for jewelry. His necklace broke the old record for gold by 2 pounds.

Now we go back to Randy Arozarena of the Rays. He was given an award for possessing a name that sounds like a new Latin dance, The Arozarena.

New York Yankee Giancarlo Stanton was voted number one in the playoffs for having the most intimidating stare directed at the pitcher. He actually caused Houston pitcher Zack Grienke to pee a little.

The 2020 Penultimate Playoff commercial award went to the medication Duprexent. That company won the new Jolly Trophy because it made having asthma look like it was fun.

The winning Dodgers were awarded for Nutty Names. Their roster consisted of Cory, Cody, Gavin, Kenly, Caleb, Blake, Dylan, Justin, Dustin, Austin, 2 points for Prusdar, and 3 points for an all-time resurrection of Mookie. A new World Series record of 16 points.

There were many more silly records set this year but we can’t go on. We have to at least acknowlege a new record set by Tampa Bay’s outfielder Manuel Margot. His homer celebration consisted of 2 high fives, 3 low fives, 4 Booty Bumps, 2 shin bangs, 3 forearm crushes, 2 whirlie gigs, 4 bitty bumps, and a partridge in a pear tree.

2021 ought to be a virtual hoot.


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