Whew, I barely made it in time. I completed this article after experiencing quite an event on East Main Street, Fredonia, which used to be a state highway. Considering the size of the potholes this year, our award winning Gov. Andrew Cuomo apparently has sold it. Obviously, it’s a new bombing strip for the U.S. Air Force.

So what does that have to do with my column being a little late? I was helping a motorist out of the pothole. He went into the abyss and we needed a mule to haul him out of the darkness. And where do you get a mule in Fredonia on a nippy day in March?

You don’t.

I had to rent one from the Grand Canyon to get him out. We’re still waiting so we’re tossing food morsels to him until Molly the Mule gets here. Now you know the reason for my tardiness.

Another diversion was the shock of the OBSERVER’s front page dated March 3. I was astounded by a picture of two little smiling school girls. They were holding posters they made to celebrate 100 days of in-person learning at Chautauqua Lake. I was astounded that these two girls were not wearing masks!

You could actually see their human features and their smiles. How about that?

Their individuality was shining through for all the world to see. How unique. Of course, I am sure there will be some virtuous patriotic politician who will be heaping scorn on them for endangering the world with a super surge.

Another delay occurred because my wife and I were discussing the confusion over the value of the COVID jab.

We recently read about a brave man who is pretty certain he got the real jab in a jab trial before getting a case of COVID.

His symptoms were described as mild. Now, here’s the question. How does one know that post-jab symptoms are milder than no-jab symptoms? We’ve had accounts where thousands of people getting COVID had no symptoms at all or mild symptoms at best before the jabs were even available.

Did someone do a Fauci Forecaster Test on this man? Did they come up with a conclusion, “The results of your Fauci Test scores, and the size of your nose, puts you at risk to suffer symptoms at 8.4 Faucis without the jab. But with the jab, we can moderate that to 5.1 Faucis. Did somebody with a white coat do this? Do you see what I mean, huh?

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Are you getting tired of cash, credit cards, IDs, pin numbers and wallets? There’s good news, my friend. You’ll soon be able to ditch all that dark age means of commerce with the new Face Pay. This will be a new method of buying and selling. Just like the Bible said you would some day do; you’ll take a mark to get a cup of coffee.

Well, if you think your face is that mark, it’s here. I tried it the other day at the 89 Cents store. It turned out to be a rather humbling experience. I bought a Danny DeVito Teeny Weeny Bite Lab salami. I took it to the Face Pay cashier machine which caused quite an incident. I put my face into the screen and Face Pay said, “Come on, man, put your pants back on.” After Face Pay expressed its sympathy for poking fun at me and then hit me with,” How long ago did that face lift go bad on you?” After I informed Face Pay that he was mistaken, I got, “Are you from a family of trolls?”

I had enough. I put the Teeny Weeny back on the shelf and resisted the urge to smash Face Pay in the face.

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If you will recall, last month we explored the world of exotic foods. We are about to enter an age of wokeness where we will be eating insects and fake meat made in lab. Well, if you thought that was crazy, we are now about to rise to a new and extreme level of food insanity.

There’s new company out there in phony/food land that is called Bite Labs. If you thought fake meat turned on Bill Gates’s erotic button, Bite Labs ought to take him to the mountaintop of ecstasy.

Bite Labs is about to offer all of you Hollywood stargazers and celeb followers an offer that you can’t refuse. They will soon be offering to the public a fake food that’s described as a salami grown from celebrity stem cells mixed with other meats like rabbit and pork. So, if it has been one of your life-long desires to try cannabalism, your day is coming.

What you are about to read was taken from their website. This is true. This is how they are promoting a salami grown from the stem cells of movie starlet Jennifer Lawrence. “The JLaw salami will be complemented by a mixture of rabbit and pork. A confident and charming profile, the JLaw salami is coarse ground in a rustic style, smoothed with notes of honey, and spiced with orange zest and ginger. Always surprising, this salami will never fail to entertain.” Uhm, uhm good, my mouth is watering.

Now that’s a salami that will be hard to beat but my vast research staff and I have a few suggestions to dazzle your palate. How about he Robert DeNiro irresistible DeRo salami.” It’s filled with acrimony and pepper expressing danger and retribution. You will enjoy this potent flavorful DeNiro salami that states after just one exciting bite, “ You talking to me.” Ooh, that simply reeks of delicious danger.

Then we have the Nansalami for all of you Capitol Hill legislative Nancy Pelosi fans. It is described as mostly an overwhelming essence of nuttiness enhanced by a deep abiding dash of chardonnay.

Finally, the Bite Lab people could offer the LuvGov salami. If you want a taste of Andrew Cuomo, and who doesn’t, it will offer you salty, saucy, sassy, salacious cheeky, cute, but bold, and intimidating. In fact, you don’t have to hold it. Ready or not, it’ll grab you.