I nearly missed my deadline on this article. The reason is Dr Fauci. It’s now obvious from his emails the he was involved in assisting the Chinese lab folks to get the virus to attain gain of function. That means to make it more nasty. So I figure if he could get a virus to get a move on, he could help my golf clubs receive gain of function.

I contacted him to work on my clubs for gain of function, but he was busy. You know how it goes. When you write a book about how wonderful you are, you become even more popular. He was signing autographs in his new book so he’ll have to get back to me. For now, I’m stuck with low-functioning golf clubs.

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We just flew to Chicago for a family gathering. I always find it a bit disconcerting when I see a pilot walking along the concourse to his gate where his plane awaits him. This isn’t right. He should be warming up.

Have you ever been to a major league sporting event? If you go to an NBA game and are in the concourse trying get a hot dog and beer for $49, do you think you’re going to stand behind LeBron James getting the same refreshments? No, of course you aren’t. Even though he’s a highly skilled basketball player, he’s down on the court shooting basketballs before the game starts.

He has probably shot a basketball a gazillion times but he still does it. He’s practicing with 11 other highly skilled teammates who have done the same. But pilots don’t seemed to be concerned about practicing.

Most pilots have probably only flown a plane a few thousand times. He has flown nowhere near a gazillion times but sits around nonchalantly not even close to practicing before his flight. Oh hum is his attitude. If we crash, we crash.

If you go a Bills game and you park your car via attaining a loan with a 20-year mortgage, do you think you will see Josh Allen in the car next to you, in his uniform checking the stock market quotes waiting for the game to start? Of course not, he’s on the field throwing passes to guys who are going to catch them in the game. They are sharpening their skills.

So what is a pilot doing sitting amongst passengers at gate 6 before he takes them to Chicago? He’s about to take the controls of a plane going 400 miles per hour and 32,000 feet off the ground which could produce quite a bump if he doesn’t fly it right. He should be in a warmup plane practicing and sharpening his flying skills which can never be too sharp. Right?!!!

So the next time you see a pilot strolling through the Buffalo Airport, casually sipping his coffee with his carryon rolling along, go up to him and say, ” Hey buddy, shouldn’t you be practicing? “

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The oldest man in Australia just passed away. He was 111 years old Dexter Kruger. He gave a response that was a little confusing when he was asked about the secret of longevity. He said, ” eating chicken brains.” But when the cause of death was issued, I suspect “eating chicken brains” might be an issue. So I don’t know what to make of it. One thing I am quite sure of, Buffalo Chicken Wings on the menu is not about to be threatened by Buffalo Chicken Brains.

This news of Dexter led my vast research team to investigate weird foods from around the world. And we came to the conclusion that the one gulp of chicken brains was pretty tame to say the least.

In Sardinia, there’s a dish known as Casu Marzu. Sounds rather innocent, right? Its a cheese that has living maggots throughout its content. I’ll take chicken brains.

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Phil Mickelson is a pro golfer who recently did something that no other pro golfer has ever done. At the age of almost 51, he won a major tournament. During his victory interview, he encouraged those over 50 to resolve to pursue their dreams and just work harder. You can achieve your goals. Since I am way over 50, here it goes.

I have never used certain words in my non-award winning column. Perhaps by using some obscure word I will win a Pulitzer Prize in Something Close to Humor That Is Not A Complete Disaster category.

I have chosen the word that will win me the Prize. It is nudiustertian. Don’t ask me to pronounce it, I just promised to use it. How’s this Pulitzer Prize committee? Vice President Kamala Harris promised to visit the southern border nudiustertian. That word means “the day before yesterday.” She didn’t get there once again even though President Biden assigned her to resolve the border situation months ago. Her press secretary stated that Vice President Harris didn’t get to the southern border nudistertian because she had to wash her hair.

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If you believe Congress spends your tax money wisely, this is a story that will easily dispel that nonsensical notion. Actually, if you are one of my readers, I know you’re too smart to believe Congress has your welfare as a priority.

This information was received from the homespun Sen. John Kennedy of Louisiana. What follows is true. Your federal tax dollars, to the level of $500,000, was recently used to determine how long it takes a panda bear to poop? The answer to this national security question is 12 minutes. Obviously, pandas need more fiber in their diet. Too much eucalyptus leaves and not enough hay.

They could spend millions on a similar study on the toilet habits of national political figures but there’s no need for that. Anybody knows that it would take hours to empty their fullness. It’s up to eye level.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com