Tackling some verbiage in America’s game

I was watching a football game recently when I had a major revelation of extreme significance. That game is so unawakened; it is so not woke. Football is archaic and in terrible need of a woke makeover.

It must be shaken from its madness and anger, brashness, mouth-breathing crudeness and it must be brought into the world of sensitivity. What I hope to do is offer my tender mercies to alter the terminology that is a century old and bring the game into the era of “The View.”

The days of playing in the mud are gone like the crude resistance to diversity. So put down your remote and beer for a few minutes to be woken and enlightened.

Let’s start with the name itself — football, The idea of foot supremacy is over, ladies and gentlemen.The game is played with so much more than the foot. It is time that the other parts of the body are given equity.

How about calling the game Appendage Ball? With the goal of inclusiveness and diversity, why not Appendage Ball? After all these years, let’s finally recognize the contributions of hands, arms and legs. It’s time to put foot supremacy onto the trash heap of history. It’s time to end the toxic masculinity that reeks from the gridiron.

Each team for a century has had an antiquated “offense “and “defense” as though the game was a war. That construct has no wokeness at all. It’s time that the offense becomes the element that should be called’ let us affirm a score.” The defense could claim the term “can’t we all just get along?” Bring some civility to the stadia and let’s enlighten America.

When a new’ “Can’t we all just get along” group of men overwhelm the “let us affirm a score” group with an unusual presence of players, it is called a “blitz.” That is very World War Twoish terminology that must eradicated. The blitz should now be termed, “Surprise, here we are.”

When one player tries to knock another player to the ground and make a way for a ball carrier to run unimpeded, that is called a “block.” That is another rather harsh term one might say. From now on. I, the expert of wokeness, suggest it be known as a ‘pardon me”.

A penalty is called on a player for hitting another player from behind is considered disgusting and dangerous. That foul is now called “clipping” in the world of boorish behavior. It a woke world that is on its way, it might better be called “naughty, naughty” even though that action is deplorable.

A “dead ball foul” is a violation of some sort before the action of a play occurs. A woke and an asleep world abhors death so that will now be known as a “sad mistake foul”

Finally, a 5-yard penalty is enforced when one team is discovered guilty of “delay of game.” Nobody gets injured but a team just can’t take any amount of time to engage action so they are penalized How about the term be changed to a “dilly dally.” That’s kind of sweet. I think workers would like that

We will continue bringing more wokeness to football next month unless somebody does something more stupid than this discourse that needs attention.

Roger Goodell is the Commissioner of the NFL. He makes an estimated $63 million a year according to CBS. I just gave him at least 2 cents worth of advice. Cough it up Mr. Commissioner and wake up.

Nin Privitera, former Fredonia resident, now resides in Franklin, Tenn. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com


Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *


Starting at $4.62/week.

Subscribe Today