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An analysts ugly truth, by the looks of it
If there already wasn't enough bad news inundating us, prepare for the next disappointment that you probably should know about. Here it comes. Human beings are getting less attractive every generation that comes along. That declaration of tragic news comes from Shafee Hassan. He happens to be one of the world's foremost facial analysts. Who even knew that there was one facial analyst in the world. Never met one.
Did this guy go to college and major in faces? What courses do you take on your way to a Bachelors Degree in Faces? Lips 101, Cheeks 202, Advanced Cheeks 301.? Did he major in foreheads and minor in chins? Mom and Dad must've been proud $300,000 later as there son walked across the stage to receive his Bachelor's degree on his way to a Ph.D. in Ugly.
Shafee Hassan blames the growing human trend towards Jabba the Hutness on pollution, diets, sleeping patterns, and orofacial habits. The sad part of his conclusion, it did not include the US. Congress. That group could challenge the Bar Scene crowd in Star Wars for creepiness.
There were some famous historical figures who were noted for lack of beauty. Former President Lincoln was noted for being homely and even acknowledged his lacking in the beauty category. In one debate he was called two-faced. He responded to that insult with this repartee. "I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I'd wear this one?"
I did not know what facial matrix features lead to ugliness until reading this ugliness report. They are rather fascinating because I'm working on not slipping into the barking stage myself. It's a cliffhanger.
In order to be included in the attractive category, one has to have a face with a " defined gonion" and my gonion is struggling to gonionize. Maybe if I chew on more beef jerky made from whoolly mammoths, a bit of Gavin Newsom would show up above my neck. Nah, forget it.
According to Shafee, the face analyst, the "functional matrix hypothesis" declares that you can develop a pretty decent face by focusing on the relevant forces you apply to it. Hassan says if you eat whole meats, vegetables, and fruits, you can make yourself look like a "hottie". Now that millions of Americans are eating soft gooey processed food, we don't stress our gonions and other facial structures. Thus, the result is you end up looking like walrus.
Well, I can pretty much guarantee you Able Lincoln was eating more woodchuck and tree bark than tender sirloin of beef so that punches hole in that theory. Abe never developed a good gonion therefore he sported a beard to cover up a gonion that Yoda would be proud.
On the other hand, his gonion may have been fourth rate but I think if you check out his zygoma, it was pretty decent but not enough to make up for that lame gonion.
So what do we take away from this study about humans growing uglier in facial appearance? Hassan would say if we really want to make America great again, start chewing on some tough stuff to get that gaudy gonion and wimpy zygoma of yours to project you into a beauty. Put down those insects you've been munching on to save the planet and exercise your zygoma. Take a piece of top round raccoon, grind away on it and develop your zygoma into a spectacular hunk of humanity.
Zygomas are extremely important but don't forget to define your gonions, both of them.
Nin Privitera, former Fredonia resident, now resides in Franklin, Tenn. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com