‘Life traps’ impact those dealing with addiction
Are you repeatedly drawn into relationships with people that are cold to you?
Do you feel that at your core you are somewhat defective and no one who truly knows you could possibly love and accept you?
Do you put the needs of others above your own, so your needs never get met?
Do you fear that something bad will happen to you, so that even a mild sore throat could set off a dreaded disease?
Do you feel that regardless how much public acclaim or social approval you receive, you feel unhappy, unfulfilled or undeserving?
If you do, we call these patterns “life traps.” A life trap is a pattern that starts in childhood and if not resolved, stays with us throughout life. During the next six to eight columns we are going to identify and work with these life traps. Basically, it begins with something that was done to us by our families or by other children. One doesn’t have to be chemically dependent to have life traps. Just ask the psychologists that deal with people daily about those thoughts. For chemically dependent clients, these life traps are a huge block to recovery and sobriety if not treated. How can chemically dependent people resolve any life traps in some rehabs that one meets with a counselor every six weeks for 10 minutes? I’ll come back to that thought later when we get into treatment of life traps.
OK, something was done to us by our families or other children. We were abandoned, criticized, over-protected, abused, excluded or deprived — we were damaged in some way. When I grew up my parents were strict. But there is a difference between corporal punishment and physical, mental and sexual abuse. The overriding factor was that I knew our parents loved us and wanted the best for us.
If we got a whack for inappropriate behavior, we needed to change that behavior or there would be more consequences. Today everything is abuse and that’s irrational also. Life traps are very, very abusive and in today’s adolescent society, have been one of the contributing factors in the adolescent suicide rate, especially among young girls. Social media has not been a friend to life traps, even setting young people up to do more destructive things to themselves and others.
The life trap eventually becomes part of us. Long after we leave the home we grew up in, we continue to create situations in which we are mistreated, ignored, put down or controlled, failing to self-actualize to our desired goals.
Life traps determine how we think, feel, act and relate to others. They trigger strong feelings of anger, rage, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, and fear. For chemically dependent clients (alcohol and other drugs) none of these disturbed negative emotions are a luxury, especially when drinking and using. These are “self-worth” issues, because even when we have what appears to be everything – social status, an ideal marriage, the respect of those close to us, career success – we are unable to enjoy life or believe in our accomplishments.
Over the years, as a counselor in chemical dependency, I’ve treated those that live under bridges, and those that lived in penthouses making $450,000 a year. It didn’t matter who you were, because these were the issues they brought with them into adulthood. I imagine that as you are reading this article, you wonder how someone making that much money could be totally miserable and not know who they are or what their goals are and how to achieve them.
I do not want to leave you hanging on to “OK, so what are these life traps?” I will identify them as a group and in the next writing begin to explain their status in your life.
They are: abandonment, mistrust and abuse, dependence, vulnerability, emotional deprivation, social exclusion, defectiveness, failure, subjugation, unrelenting standards, entitlement.
There are a total of 11 life traps.
For more information about this article or related topics, call 716-983-1592.
Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy counselor.