We can thank the ancient Babylonians for our tradition of New Year’s resolutions. Going back to c.2000 B.C., they celebrated the new year during a 12-day festival called Akitu which began the farming season. The gala included resolving to pay debts and returning borrowed farm equipment; obviously, theirs was an agrarian society.

Over the centuries, the occasion evolved into today’s guilt trips. Most of us resolve to do something that we felt guilty of doing or didn’t do but should have done in the recent past. And we go public, making resolutions to people who might hold us to them. If I listed mine over the years, they’d fill a page or two. Bet yours would too. A few examples. I’ve given up eating candy more times than I can count. When I was 7 or 8 and introduced to the custom, my mother suggested giving sweets up for utilitarian reasons — saving big bucks with the dentist. Unfortunately, I inherited my father’s side of having “soft toofers.” That resolution lasted hours if not minutes. The candy canes I had stashed away wouldn’t stop calling, and I felt obligated to answer.

Since then, in no particular order, I resolved to quit Pall Malls (succeeded), White Owl Demi-tips only while golfing (failed), eat healthy (partial success-dang Ruffles chips), drinking IPAs (failed until three years ago when forced to take seizure medication-these ain’t the “golden years”), being sarcastic (failed) and patient (wife scoffed, “impossible,” and was right). Years ago, given the futility of it all, I gave up making them. The other day with New Year’s here, I got to wondering what the President’s resolution might be. Here are three I’d hope he makes.

First, I resolve to end the conflicts in Gaza and Ukraine and I have the leverage to do it. As for Gaza, I developed a three-point plan. The first has already been realized; initiated a truce, albeit shaky, got the hostages released and the food trucks are moving.

I’m then going to pressure Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas into signing a peace agreement. Regarding the former, he signs or no more arms or aid of any kind. He’s on thin ice politically with corruption charges pending, not to mention his failure to heed warnings about an imminent attack on Oct. 7, 2023. He has two choices — accept my proposal or head to the clink. As for Hamas, agree or I’ll join Israel in finding and eliminating you. With our sophisticated technology, I can do so without having to carpet bomb thus avoiding the killing of thousands of innocent women and children. Once accomplished, I start proceedings leading to the ultimate-a two-state solution.

In respect to Ukraine, I resolve to provide them with all the arms they request and greenlight their request to send missiles anywhere they want into Russia. Regarding joining NATO — go for it. As for Vladimir Putin, sign the peace agreement or I’ll shut off trade with you, strong arm others to do likewise and block the oil barges from reaching your ports; then watch how quickly your already teetering economy falls off the brink. Oh yeah, you retreat to the border extant before your invasion. Once accomplished. thousands of peasant mothers would sing my praises for saving their teenaged sons from becoming cannon fodder. After this peace plan is accepted, I’ll deservedly receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

Secondly, I resolve to improve the quality of life for middle and lower class Americans, in the process finally winning that decades long war against poverty. First, no more tariffs. They don’t generate money, they cost it. The tax is paid by American importers who make up for their losses by raising prices (e.g. toys from China). After unilaterally eliminating government jobs while passing the vetting process, I’ve decided to restore them, pouring millions back into the economy (saving bucks by not having to pay unemployment). We’ll carefully examine where “fat” can be cut. For our veterans, VA hotlines will now be readily available along with money for payment of disability claims. As an aside, for our children, not only will I restore cuts made affecting pediatric research, I’ll add money to the programs.

I’ve come to my senses regarding “how much is really enough” pertaining to our 900 billionaires and countless millionaires. I resolve to reform our tax system by increasing substantially the percentage (no deductions) paid by the upper class, myself included. With this new source of money, every American will be guaranteed free health care and thousands more provided access to pre-natal clinics. Affordable housing will be constructed in urban and rural areas, our penal system reformed (e.g. more jails, more police, more counselors for the incarcerated.) In cooperation with the states (assume some fiscal responsibility) and religious institutions, I’ll introduce a program for ending homelessness which will include building shelters nationwide and providing ample funds for identifying and humanely dealing with those with mental illnesses and drug problems. Once successful, think of the number of people entering the job market and not existing on taxpayers’ largess. More vocational education programs will be implemented as well to meet an increasing need in that area. Executive orders will regulate the cost of pharmaceuticals, gas and rent giving individual families the extra money needed to move up the social-economic ladder.

I’m revising my approach to the deportation of illegal immigrants. I’ll continue to have ICE agents, now unmasked, round up criminals, gangs, drug dealers and the like. Recognizing the importance of the majority of illegals who add to rather than subtract from our economy, the farm workers, those in the construction and hotel industries, I’ll facilitate the means by which they become citizens and increase funding for more pre-school and K-12 bilingual teachers and tutors. And I will continue to maintain strict control of our borders.

Thirdly, I recognize that as President, I can be a positive role model for the nation’s children. Therefore, I resolve to stop the hurtful name calling and inveterate stretching of the truth. In keeping with one of Jesus’ most valued teachings, I resolve to forgive my enemies rather than using my executive power to persecute them. Finally, I’ll donate much of my vast wealth to a variety of charities (e.g. USAid), encouraging all Americans to give what they can for the benefit of others.

I hope readers agree that by keeping these resolutions, the President would be narrowing the gap between the rich and poor, helping to end strife, not only here in our terribly divided country, but across the globe, and helping to make ours a better world for all- especially for the most vulnerable among us living in Somalia and the Sudan, in Gaza and Ukraine, in Harlem and the hollows of West Virginia. That accomplished, he will become what he’s always wanted to be-one of our greats.

So readers, good luck with those resolutions and best wishes from Kay, me, K-Dawg and the Hunger Coalition for a happy, healthy New Year.

Ray Lenarcic is a 1965 State University of New York at Fredonia graduate and is a resident of Herkimer.