Editor’s note: This was submitted as an April Fool’s piece.

In an unexpected move that stunned fans across Western New York, owners Terry Pegula and Kim Pegula announced this morning they have agreed to sell the Buffalo Bills to former hedge fund manager and pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli.

Shkreli, who was released from federal prison in 2022 after a securities fraud conviction, said “I’ve paid my debt to society” and called the purchase “a redemption story.” He promised to “modernize football economics.”

The reported $9.8 billion deal — which sources say includes “future revenue streams from a premium subscription to watch fourth quarters” — immediately triggered widespread confusion and panic among Bills Mafia and NFL fans across the country.

At an impromptu press conference, Shkreli outlined his vision for the franchise which includes:

— Charging a fee to unlock replay reviews.

— Introducing dynamic pricing for touchdowns.

— A fee for a PBL (Personal Beer License) for beer purchasing rights at the stadium.

“We’re bringing innovation of the best kind to Buffalo and to the NFL,” Shkreli said. Fans reacted swiftly. One longtime season ticket holder said, “I survived four soul crushing Super Bowl losses. I can’t survive paying extra to watch the fourth quarter.”

League sources say other NFL owners are “monitoring the situation with interest,” particularly after Shkreli proposed allowing fans to vote in real time to decide whether the team punts or goes for it on fourth down. “If the punt vote is popular, we’ll probably make it fee based later on,” he said.

The Pegulas released a short statement defending the decision:

“We wanted to ensure the Bills remain competitive, innovative, and extremely well monetized for generations to come. After all, there is a new stadium to pay for.”

Team ownership expects approval from the NFL Owners Association on April Fools Day.

Yendor Acinnep is Fredonia resident Rod Pennica.