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In his book, "The Road Less Traveled," Scott Peck defines love as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." He also states, "Love is the energy force for discipline."
During the 30-plus years that I was a chemical dependency counselor, the single greatest cause of relapses for clients was irrational relationships. Self-love also includes love for another. Since I am human and you are human, to love means to love myself as well as you. Some people may love their pets, but are incapable of showing the same kind of love and respect to humans. Therefore, love is an act of will, both an intention and action. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
Clients who came to CD treatment (chemical dependency) were more or less confused about the nature of love. For example, a powerful misconception of "falling in love" is the belief that "falling in love” is love itself. The first issue that pervades one's thinking is that falling in love is specifically a sex-oriented experience. For example, we do not fall in love with our children, even though we may love them deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends, even though we may care for them also.
Friends of the same sex (homosexual and lesbians) can be an exception. Thus it happens that when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated, we think this is love. The problem here is that love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner fall out of love with them if the relationship lasts long enough. The ecstatic lovingness that usually characterizes falling in love passes or "the honeymoon ends."
So, this is some "heavy stuff" for some of my readers. How then, does this affect clients in treatment, both single and married? For single men and women in treatment, it goes something like this. Depending how deep clients are in a romantic relationship, my song for them was usually "focus on yourself while you are here in treatment." A powerful relationship takes the focus off your recovery mentally. For married clients, it is a little different. I would not tell a married client to focus on themselves unless there was mental, physical or sexual abuse by another. For over 30 years, I was telling clients, "focus on your recovery."
Guess what? Maybe two percent of the clients would put things aside and do this. As a client's counselor, there was no confrontation about this, only the thinking of "what length are you willing to go to, to further your recovery?" Relationships, namely unhealthy ones, are triggers for the feelings of anger, rage, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression and fear. When these feelings are set in motion, alcohol and other drugs give temporary relief. For addicted clients, this is the road to using again and again.
Let's go back to the "love idea." Growing up in the ’50s and ’60s was most certainly different than today. Relationships and thoughts about sex, love and rock 'n roll were totally different. The demandingness, for people getting what they wanted in life was a lot less than today. Dating, as I recall, was different in the sense of being more rational. Respect for others, both male and female appeared different. The idea of wants and needs had a different connotation. For example, my wife and I didn't start out in a house. It was a one-room apartment. We would pull the bed out at night to watch "The Tonight Show" every night. Along the way, we pooled and saved our money to put a down payment on a house. Was this an act of love? I thought so, and so did my wife. Working together to achieve a goal brought trust and respect to each of us, as well as spirituality.
The clients that I have worked with have known little or nothing about what I have just written. Going through relationship after relationship, and relapse after relapse. Thus, not only addicted people, but people that have never been to treatment know little about this also. I have worked with people that slept under bridges, prisoners, middle class workers and executives, and wealthy clients that are able to have whatever they want money-wise. The big house, the three-car garage, indoor or outdoor swimming pool, or both, is often defined by them to me as "an act of love and of sacrifice." It may well be, but my question has always been, "are you done, and what does the material things have to do with your recovery?"
I have treated clients that have nothing but their recovery and are happy that they are able to be here and have another chance to continue their lives based on sobriety and abstinence.
Finally, to pull this whole thing together. We are taught that a man needs a woman, a woman needs a man. Not true. A man or woman that is capable of living on their own needs themselves first. If they meet someone, it is their choice, not a need. There are qualities that people have such as kindness, empathy, discipline, humor and spirituality that are much more lasting than material things. That little apartment was probably the greatest impetus towards a healthy relationship with pizza parties and night and us joking about in one glance we were in the living room – bedroom and could view the kitchen and the bathroom in one visualization.
So, what are finer qualities of love? Listening to the person and making time for them are one of the greatest. Respect for another is second. A sense of humor to laugh at all the irrational thoughts and behaviors that are going to be a part of your lives. As AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) taught me, "To your own self be true."
Thought for the month: "Here's the secret to a happy marriage: do what your wife tells you." — Denzel Washington.
Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapist. He can be reached at 716-983-1592.