×

Getting stuck while tying one on

A book that caught my attention in the library the other day was entitled “50 KNOTS YOU NEED TO KNOW.”

I really don’t think I need to know that many knots. I believe I have led a pretty full life without a plethora of knot knowledge. (Excuse me, but I need to congratulate myself. I just used the word plethora for the first time. ) Now back to knots. What I need to know is how to untangle knots.

I don’t need to know the Double Fisherman Knot. I don’t think I need to know the single fisherman’s knot. Then there’s the Clove Hitch knot, the Poacher’s Knot. The bottom line is that there are a lot of knots and they are usually in the ropes that I own.

What I need is for someone to write a book on, “HOW TO UNTANGLE THE ^%$*# KNOT WITHOUT TAKING A KNIFE TO THE ROPE AND SAWING IT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.” I need to know how to untangle the #@^%*&*** knot. Please, somebody, write a book on that.

¯ ¯ ¯

My research staff and I send out congratulations to all junior colleges, colleges, and universities in New York State and America. They stand strong today, at least, in respect to their sense of common decency and propriety. Compared to Queens University in Northern Ireland, they are beacons of ethics and morality.

Why do I say that? This is why. Hillary Clinton has been named a Chancellor of Queen’s University in Belfast. As Jay Leno once asked Hugh Grant, “What the h-l were you thinking?”

Now I know that according to Bill Clinton, Hillary is the smartest woman in the world. Considering her marital choice, that statement is immediately targeted for doubt.

She is the first female to ever be named Chancellor. As the Church Lady used to say, “Well, now isn’t that special?” But what if an existing chancellor transitions to a woman next month. Does that negate Hillary’s distinction as first the woman chancellor? That could very well happen especially if it’s a part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

Actually being named chancellor of this university is an honorary role. She is not expected to perform any official duties, per se. So what it comes down to is this. Don’t expect to see her carrying a tray through the cafeteria of Queen’s U. She’ll treat her chancellorship just like she did her senatorship of New York state. It’s just a title and you do nothing. After all, she has been designated by several sycophants as the smartest woman in the world. So let’s be satisfied with being blessed by her superior thoughts that she may share with us occasionally.

One major achievement in favor of being named Chancellor is her history as a peace keeper. After all she was one of America’s great Secretaries of State for four years under President Obama who, by many accounts, was America’s smartest President.

You may have forgotten her greatness so here’s a reminder. Are we at war with Liechenstein right now? Of course not. Not many know that they were itching for a fight but did they start one when Hillary was Sec of State? The answer is zip, nada, zero. The reason you can sleep soundly tonight is because of Hillary’s hard work. She told Liechenstein in no uncertain terms that they either settle down or they would get a timeout. At least this is what my vast research staff said they found.

This chancellor appointment does not mean that she’s like the President of the university. It’s darn close, but no cigar. Oops, this is a family newspaper so I don’t believe we want to mention cigars in relation to any Clinton, do we?

She will also act as an advisor to the vice chancellor who probably will welcome directions like,” Excuse me, Ian, you blithering deplorable, but I don’t think you’re chancelloring that quite correctly.”

When she’s not doing honorary chancellor work, she could possibly be an Honorary Lecturer probably for a cool $500,000. a lecture.

Her role as chancellor has led to Queen’s offering some new courses influenced by her. Here they are.

¯ Brilliance 101 — How to Turn $1000 into $100,000 in a sleazy Arkansas land deal when your no good for nothing philandering husband is Governor.

¯ Victory 102 — How to blame all of your questionable activities on a vast right wing conspiracy and the Russians.

¯ Bug Off 103 — How to give back, without losing face, some gifts like crockery, furniture, silverware, and artwork after leaving the White House. Pretend that you thought the Washington Monument was a personal gift from George’s family.

¯ Queen 104 — Move to a state to get elected senator and pretend that you’ve been a Yankee fan all your life. Those hicks in Chautauqua County will fall for it.

Arrogance 105 — When running for President, tell a whopper of a story where you and your daughter had to dodge bullets after walking off a plane in Bosnia, being your cheerful casual fun-loving-self about the whole deal. You know, it was just another day in my life of selflessly serving the people of America.

¯ Bug Off 106 — How to arrange a sale of 20% of America’s uranium reserves to Russia and then get away with it and arrange a deal where your philandering no good for nothing husband receives $500,000 for a speech that is pure crap.

Champion 107 — So you put up thousands of emails on your personal server that’s in your basement. Big deal. You’re Secretary of State for crying out loud. So somebody from Russia can hack your server, so what? All they’re going to see are Chelsea’s wedding plans and notes from your yoga classes. Big deal. So if anybody complains tell them go fly their broomstick.

Elitism 108 — The way you survive living in a world of smelly, deplorable, Walmart shoppers is to have a group of superior elitist friends like Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein.

¯ ¯ ¯

Last December, ESPN apparently ran out of sports to televise so they covered a national ax-throwing contest. Sixty-four of the top ax-throwers were battling for the title of America’s Champion Ax Thrower. What would be more fun is watching the bottom 64 contestants throwing axes . No doubt the winner there would be the one not in the ER.

I didn’t even know there was one guy throwing an ax, no less a whole bunch of guys. So I decided to watch a bit of it because apparently I had run out of thrills and spills of watching 22 guys push each other around on a field chasing football.

After about 5 minutes of this competition, I had enough of watching axes fly and burrow into a piece of wood. What I propose are some new competitions using garden tools that are more fun than flying axes. I can see it now: ESPN presents the Garden Rake Toss Into A Wheelbarrow.

That event could be followed by the Garden Hoe Throw Across A Football Field. Then we go to the 33 Gallon Twist Tie Filled Garbage Bag Heave Into A 96 Gallon Polyethylene Garbage Can.

The day’s events could then be concluded with the always favorite Roaring Blindfolded Husqvarna Chainsaw Relay Toss Obstacle Course 440 Yard Relay with No Transfusions.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of each month. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com

Newsletter

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)