Some items recently in the news … other than the election:

¯ In their attempt to make the world just a super dooper kumbaya hugfest, the James Madison University eggheads (not on the list so it must be OK) has issued a speech guide of 35 “dumb expressions” that should be avoided. The assumption is that the person being addressed by these expressions may not feel safe and victimized by the verbal  hell and terror of life in America. You know how it goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are a real two by four across my forehead.”

For example, if you are a Jamesmadisonian and you tell another person on campus, “You have such a pretty face,” that is now considered a dumb expression. Why is that offensive, you may ask? Because you’re dumb.

According to the elite thinkers at JMU, you didn’t say that to the previous person that you spoke to so you offended that person who is now sobbing in the corner. She is thinking, “Gee, he didn’t tell me that.” That person would have every right to accuse you of bias, sexism, and cruelty for considering them a gargoyle. Then you would feel offended because your offense wasn’t meant to be an offense so now you have a right to sob in the corner. And on it goes where we will all be a nation of sobbing victims. But  not the people at JMU who will all being smiling and sucking their thumbs in their safe space

¯ CBS reporter and host Charlie Rose recently interviewed a robot. It was a copy of Al Gore and ironically, it was more life-like than our eminent former vice president. The interview didn’t last long. It was pretty much, “Hi, I’m Al Gore and I invented the internet and, boy, am I ever hot. That’s because the earth is heating up you know. You now why? Because I fly around the world in my private jet burning up fossil fuel telling everyone not to burn fossil fuels. Of course, don’t tell anybody that the other planets in our solar system are getting hotter, too. You know what, I’m such a valid copy of Al Gore, I can put my audience to sleep just like my human daddy did. In fact, I’m getting sleepy myself. Good night, Charlie.” End of interview.

¯ You might think a pizza parlor would be the logical choice but a McDonald’s is going to be starting up right next to St. Peter’s Basilica. This is true believe it or not. The Vatican is about to rent space for a fast-food restaurant which will bring in $ 45,000 per month in proceeds.

Cardinal Elio Sgreccia calls this action a, “perverse decision to say the least.” He believes it adds to the tawdriness of what is a special area of history. You bet it’s tawdry. If you can believe my research staff, and you’d have to be a fool to believe them, they say McDonalds is going to change their Happy Meal to a Heavenly Helper. And how about those tawdry Francis Fries? They can’t be serious with the Big Mac becoming a St. Peter/w. cheese. You go, Cardinal Elio, get that stuff out of there.

¯ David Attenborough is a famous British broadcaster and naturalist. He said in a recent interview that if he could be an animal, he would choose to be a leopard slug. Is this guy serious? It makes me wonder if he’s ever looked at leopard slug without sluggish eyes. I mean, you talk about a slimy mess, there it is. Anybody with any taste at all in slugs can see that the green-soled slug has a much nicer sheen of slime and has much cuter antennae. You look at a green-soled slug and written all over its face is a plea to let me slide all over you. Anybody can see that it has tubercles to die for. And there is no comparison in mucus. Get a life David Attenborough. There are many more slugs that are far cuter than the rather pedestrian leopard slug.

¯ The football coach at the U of Houston Tom Herman has employed an unusual practice to encourage cohesiveness in his football team. Every time a player scores a touchdown, he has to hug a lineman. I’m sure the runner should rather hug a cheerleader but then she would need to find a safe space to overcome the trauma of the unwanted sexual assault. In fact, Coach Herman at times will even kiss a player on the cheek before a game.

At first thought these hugs and kisses sounded silly but I’ve noticed some lack of joy and togetherness with my golf foursome. So perhaps it’s time to employ a little loving with the guys.

I can foresee this. When John hits a magnificent 4-wood rather than just complimenting him with a, “Nice shot,” comment, I can walk up to him and give him a great big hug. When Roger hits that trusty drive with a hide fade in to the middle of the fairway as he usually does, I can go to him and put my arms around him and bring some warmth to his day.

When Dennis drops another typical 19-foot putt right in the middle of the cup, my response could be, “Come here, big guy, let’s snuggle, champ.” We could save the kiss on the cheek for the occasional birdie, but I really don’t want to explore the possible responses to an eagle. If anybody gets a hole-in-one, including me, I’ll tell you right now, I’m out of there. There’s such a thing as too much togetherness.

¯ A 34-year-old man in northern India is trying to achieve the title of the Strongest Man in The World, A Man of Steel. As you will see, he is not contending for the Smartest Man in The World title. His name is Amandeep Singh and he’s performing 11 stunts to get the title. One of them is to be run over by a car and another is to have people leap off a step ladder on to his chest and abdomen. Alright I can see the car and the ladder but this one puzzles me. He gets hit in the groin by a sledge hammer. Now if that’s what it takes to be named strongest man in the world, I’ll pass on that title and state, “Hail to you, Amandeep, You’re the The Man of Steel. “ And I’ll say it with a voice not simply heard by dogs.

¯ By the way, did you get your report card from National Grid? Well, we did and we’re still ranked as a disappointing GOOD. I showed it to my hamster on the generator treadmill and encouraged him to run faster. Poor little thing. He’s trying his best to get us in to the rank of EXCELLENT.

Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident whose column appears on the second Sunday of each month. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com