Editor’s note: This is the first of two articles.

In this article of REBT, I will be dealing with lifetraps as they relate to chemical dependency. A lifetrap is a pattern that starts in childhood and reverberates throughout life. It began with something that was done to us by our families or other children. We were abandoned, criticized, over-protected, abused mentally, physically or sexually, excluded, deprived – we were damaged in some way. Eventually the lifetrap becomes part of us. Long after we leave home, we continue to create situations in which we are mistreated, ignored, put down or controlled and in which we fail to reach our most desired goals. There is a vast difference between discipline and continued abuse mentally and physically.

There are eleven lifetraps and I will acquaint you with six this week. In REBT, we will spend eight to ten sessions going into detail and helping the group identify which lifetraps are still causing problems in their recovery from chemicals.

Abandonment

The abandonment lifetrap is the feeling that people you love will leave you and you will end up emotionally isolated forever. You feel people close to you will die, leave home forever or abandon you because they prefer someone else, and that you will be left alone. I often hear the term “aloneness” in counseling, without the client having any idea how this was initiated. The problem for many of our clients is with this lifetrap. They may cling too close to people, eventually pushing them away. Many times clients get angry or upset over “normal separations.”

Mistrust and abuse

The mistrust and abuse lifetrap is the expectation that people will hurt or abuse you in some way – that they will cheat, lie, manipulate, humiliate, physically harm or take advantage of you. People with this lifetrap hide behind a wall of mistrust to survive. They never let people get too close. They are suspicious of people’s intentions and often tend to assume the worst. They expect that people you love will betray you. The relationships formed are superficial in which they do not open up to others, or formed with people who treat them badly and then feel angry and vengeful toward those that continue to hurt them or relationships are avoided altogether. When I worked in the halfway house, I worked with a 19 year old young man with a great personality and no self- worth. He had been told over and over by his drug-addicted mother “I hate the day you were born, and I wish you would have died.” Later, when he was still a child, she put him in the oven and tried to cook him at 425 degrees. I don’t think I need to elaborate on “trust issues.”

Dependence

People with this lifetrap feel unable to handle everyday life in a competent manner without considerable help from others. They depend on others to act as a crutch and need constant support. As a child, they were made to feel incompetent when they tried to assert their independence. As an adult they seek out strong figures upon whom to become dependent and allow them to rule their lives. At work, they shrink from acting on their own.

Vulnerability

With vulnerability, people live in fear that disaster is about to strike, whether it be natural, criminal, medical or financial. People with this lifetrap don’t feel safe in the world. People with this lifetrap were made to feel that the world is a very dangerous place. Parents most likely over-protected them. Their fears are excessive and unrealistic and irrational. Fears may revolve around illness, anxiety, AIDS, or going crazy. Financial vulnerability may revolve around going broke, and ending up in the streets, and other phobic situations such as fear of flying, being mugged or earthquakes.

Emotional deprivation

Emotional deprivation is the belief that one’s need for love will never be met adequately by other people. You feel that no one truly cares for you or understands how you feel. You find yourself attracted to cold and ungiving people or you are cold and ungiving yourself, leading you to form relationships that prove unsatisfying . You feel cheated and you alternate between being angry and feeling hurt and alone. Ironically, your anger just drives people away, ensuring your continued deprivation.

Social exclusion

Social exclusion lifetraps involves connection to friends and groups. It has to do with feeling isolated from the rest of the world, with feeling different. People with this lifetrap were excluded by peers as a child. They did not belong in a group of friends. They may have had some unusual characteristics that made them feel different in some way. As an adult, they maintain their lifetrap mainly through “avoidance.” As an adult you may feel that you are ugly, socially undesirable, low in status, poor in conversational skills, boring, or otherwise deficient. You reenact your childhood rejection. You feel and act inferior in social situations. Many people with the lifetrap are quite comfortable in intimate settings and are quite socially skilled. But at parties, classes or meetings, they may be anxious and aloof.

Next week: The next five lifetraps.

P.S. To the family that wrote to me about your son and his recovery, please call me at 983-1592 as there was no forwarding address or telephone number.

Mike Tramuta has been a CASAC counselor for more than 30 years and currently runs the REBT program on Thursday nights at the Holy Trinity Parish Center from 7 to 8:15 p.m. Call 983-1592 for more information.