Losing sleep over nightmare pillows, holidays
I know its Christmastime and I should be extra kind to my fellow man but there’s one guy on TV that is starting to get on my nerves besides Adam Schiff. It’s Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy. He who won’t go away. He’s become the human version of a creeping forest fungus overtaking the world. It seems like he’s advertising some new sleep product every two minutes on morning TV and now I’m seeing him in prime time.
It used to be a promo for just a pillow to sleep with and dream of Mike Lindell. Now I’m seeing that I’ve got to get sheets that are made of cotton from somewhere around the Giza pyramid in Egypt. They allow you to dream of Mike even more so.
Your morning bathroom ablutions can now be enriched with My Pillow towels. And you don’t have to leave Mike at home. Now you can get a My Pillow travel pillow.
If you can’t get enough of Mike on TV, you can get a Mike Lindell bobblehead doll for your desk
Now My Pillow has a health item. It’s for TV watchers who are sick of Mile Lindell’s TV image. It’s called Bleed Stop. I’ll need that after another Mike Lindell commercial pops up which will be in about 5 minutes. When I slit my wrists I can apply My Pillow Bleed Stop.
¯ A philosophy professor from U of C at Berkeley recently made a fool of himself with a statement that blasted ruralists like you and me. He said that,“rural Americans are bad people who have made bad life decisions.” You know what, he’s right. I just made a bad decision by giving him my attention.
But upon further examination by my vast research staff, maybe he has a case to make. Admit it, you and I are hayseeds, without shoes and teeth out here in the western frontier of New York state. We are missing out on the great life provided by metropolitan paradises out there, you know in those high faulting west coast cities.
If you walk around the streets of San Francisco, you can play a new version of the old kid’s game of hop scotch. The 2019 San Francisco version involves hopping around piles of poop and used hypodermic needles just laying there on those sidewalks of gold. Apparently missing those obstacles is one of those “good life decisions” that you get to make living in west coast metropolitan areas of America.
¯ Charles Dickens wrote a classic many years ago entitled “A Christmas Carol.” That was before the PC and Woke generation poured out its illumination onto events and concerns of modern America life. Obviously a woken Dickens of 2019 would’ve created a much different story today. He might have shaped his story of Scrooge in a much better fashion. Using his awareness of our environmental concerns, racism, sexism, elitism, Dickens might have written something like what you’re about to read. My research staff and I have created our summarized version of “A Woken Winter Tune.”
Ebenezer Scrooge was a mean old man. He was white-privileged and probably a racist. He was a capitalist exploiting the poor of London and his nephew Bob Crachit. Ebenezer paid him just a few pennies a day. How could Bob support his family on that? Not well at all. Even worse, Scrooge was a climate denier. Basically, Scrooge was one of those people that we call deplorables, or at least, that’s what the smartest woman alive labels them.
As we look into the office of Scrooge’s accounting firm, we find that the gender-identified male nephew was working on what used to be called Xmas Eve. That was a holiday that the unwoken of the world set aside for some savior guy.
The nephew working was Bob Cratchit. He was woke and he was hoping to celebrate with his family a Woke Winter dinner. The menu will be a mouth-watering boiled kale and sumptuous faux goose made of carrot tops and beet hearts. No way would the Cratchits succumb to a real goose. They could never find the means to buy one and the huge carbon footprint of the goose would lead to the shrinking of the polar ice sheets and rising ocean levels.
The woke Cratchit had visions of joining his family at home but for now, he was accounting obscene profits for his uncle Scrooge.
The clock struck 6. The working day was over. Cratchit departed the office with a wish for his exploitive uncle, “Have a moderately happy woken Winter Tune, Uncle Scrooge.” Unfortunately, a cordial response was not forthcoming. The ever-grumpy Scrooge excoriated Cratchit with, “Bah Humbug. Show up for work tomorrow so I can collect my money from the undeserving working poor.”
That very night, Scrooge was shaken from his sleep by a ghost of his former business partner Ebenezer Marley. He showed Scrooge the misery of the life hereafter for being a capitalist, racist, sexists, as well as an opponent of equal rights for all LBGTQRUSVT’s.
Marley went on to show Scrooge the image of his love Marrisa Ebenezer Jenner who left him many years ago. She transgendered after rejecting marriage to Scrooge because of his greed for riches and environmental chaos denial.
Later that very night, Scrooge was plagued with the visit from the environmental activist ghost of Ebenezer Ocasio Cortez. She/he was adorned with a necklace of dead fish. She/he pounded on his front door screaming out to Scrooge. “You white privileged, deplorable, capitalist pig. The world is going to end in 11 years because of men like you who refuse the provisions of the Green New Deal. It’s time for you to give up your farting cows and horses”
As the fear-filled Scrooge dove beneath his fur-lined covers, the virtuous EOC returned to her/his work to save the planet.
Cowering in his sumptuously warm bed, Scrooge was frightened by the ghost of a Bernneby Ebenezer Sanders who was the Woken Wizard of Winter Tune Now. He warned Scrooge of a coming existential crisis where bringing a child into the world will be seen as a crime against the earth. “Woe to you Ebenzezer and your riches. You don’t need to give money to the poor for we will tax you for the good of others and make you pay your fair share. You are a racist, a sexist, white-privileged evil exploiter of the earth. Your immoral profits will cause the oceans to swallow up the cities of the world.”
A terrified Scrooge once again dove beneath the covers. He was soon shaken and awakened by another ghost named Ebenezer Beto O’Winter Tune Whatever Time Is Left. Beto apologized for not being a ghost of color and went on to show his sincerity for the oppressed by promising to remove all borders, horses that emit methane gas that warms the earth, and give free healthcare for everybody who has been born and will ever be born.
Scrooge was finally tormented by Ebenezer Pochahontas High Cheekbone Winter Tune Present. She showed him a vision of Bob Cratchit and his family with the handicapped transitioning Tiny Tim who would soon become Tiny Tina. The impoverished family was preparing to celebrate Winter Tune, and the vision of Tiny Tim/Tina, broke Scrooge’s darkened heart.
He dashed from his bed and went to join the festive day with Cratchit family. He brought with him an earth friendly tofu turkey with all the recycled trimmings of mashed tree bark and algae nuggets.
The festive day of Winter Tune ended with the beautiful salutation from Tiny Tim/Tina, “Mother Earth, bless us, everyone.”
Nin Privitera is a Fredonia resident. His column appears the second Sunday of each month. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org