A major break in the annals of science has taken place and I bet few of you know about it. A scientist named Brenda McGowan just had a 30-minute conversation with Twain.

Who’s that, you ask? Twain is a 38-year-old humpback whale.

The report did not disclose what the conversation was all about but my crack research team has the details which I will share with you. McGowan says she used whale language rather than English and hopes that her major breakthrough will lead to communicating with aliens in UFOs. If that is achieved, she may even try it in a conversation with Kamala Harris.

We do not have the entire transcript or recording of the whale talk but I want to share some highlights of the conversation. The first statement made by Twain was a request to have his name changed because he thought it was too close to him being called Twit.

His second request was basically an utterance of, “Yo, I don’t like the characterization of having a humpback. I don’t have one. I arch my back when I leap out of the water so I look spectacular for pictures. So pay attention girls, it’s just a label not a structure.”

This was just the beginning of complaints. As the conversation proceeded, it became obvious that Twain is not a happy whale. He explained how unfair it was that he is tagged with humpback compared to another whale species known as the right whale. “Oh sure, no matter what the right whale does, he’s always right.

“Just the other day I saw a right whale stuff the blowhole of a baleen whale with a bunch of yucky seaweed and laugh about it. My friend Jimmy coughed for two miles trying to clear out his blowhole. If I could’ve gotten my flippers on a harpoon, I know where it would fit nicely in that right whale’s anatomy.”

It is widely known that whales communicate with songs. Apparently not all whales sing with equal grace according to Twain. There is one particular whale that has stirred his ire.

The whale who sings like a hogwart is named Madonna. He made it very obvious that he has little affection for her talents.

“Oh my gosh, you would think the ocean is vast enough to get away from her screeches but the other day I was looking for a killer whale to put me out of my misery.”

Madonna thinks she’s a star of the seas and her rendition of the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is so pathetic. When she starts cranking up on “All I Ask of You,” even the dolphins head for the 10,000 foot mark and beg for a blubber blowout.”

The interview finally ended with Twain’s complaints about his diet of krill day after day. ” Look I hate to leave with another complaint but eating krill 24/7 makes me long for a boat load of anchovies. Look it up. Krill is crustacean at the bottom of the food chain. And speaking of that, do you have a bicycle chain that I prefer to munch on?”

Nin Privitera, former Fredonia resident, now resides in Franklin, Tenn. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com