When God decided that mankind should have self-government, the Creator said quietly “And we may have to accept the existence of political parties despite the fact that they will become one of the tools like larceny, blackmail, Ponzi schemes, cheating at cards and other scams that allow men to lie, cheat, befuddle, and steal from each other. To this Saint Peter replied, “Yes lord you are right but the man who avoids these evils will be a wise leader and a light to his people.” To this God replied, “But those men will be few and far between.”

As part of God’s experiment at self-government The United States of America was born out of a revolutionary war, where Americans cast off the despotic rule of an English king.

Some years after this war the founding fathers called a convention where it was decided that a constitution was needed. Because most of them were God-fearing men of a sort, they likely had some understanding of God’s feelings about political parties and saw them as evil. Parties were not even mentioned in the new constitution. God was pleased, for now.

Following the ratification of the Constitution George Washington who was above politics became President serving two terms. But even while Washington served political parties were forming under the leadership of men like Alexander Hamilton and James Madison who until now had been against political parties. This was bound to happen because Americans had always been a contentious people who liked to voice their opinions on how things should be done in life, government, religion and just about everything else. It is also natural that people with strong opinions wanted to be around other people who thought the same.

God became worried and one day he spoke of these worries with Saint Peter. “Peter, I know I gave mankind the gift of free will, but I fear that my experiment in self-government in the United States may founder on the rocks of political parties.” Peter said “Perhaps you could send a message to them. In the year 1947, a girl named Hillary will be born in Chicago. Perhaps she could be elected President. She will call people whom she sees as inferiors “deplorables” and will annoy many others and perhaps lead people to call for the end of parties.” God solemnly said in reply, “Peter I am not a cruel or vindictive God.”

Men who felt that the United States needed a strong central government and that the original wording of the Constitution could be stretched gathered around Alexander Hamilton and the Federalist Party was born. At the same time, men who believed in a strict interpretation of the constitution gathered around Thomas Jefferson and James Madison marking the beginning of the Democratic-Republican Party. God held his breath.

Parties began to play a role in Presidential politics when Federalist John Adams ran for President against Thomas Jefferson in 1796. Adams won with Jefferson coming in second and thus becoming the vice president under the electoral system then in use.

In the election of 1800, the incumbent Adams with running mate Charles Pinckney ran against Jefferson and running mate Aaron Burr. Because the presidential candidate and vice-presidential candidates were still voted on separately Jefferson and Burr were tied with 77 electoral votes each. To settle the election a contingent election was to be held in the House of Representatives. Jefferson won and Burr blamed Hamilton’s machinations in the house for his defeat, beginning a process that would lead to their famous “shootout at Weehawken” in New Jersey” in 1804.

In the later part of Washington’s term tensions grew between the Washington family and the Jefferson family because while Washington was above party his heart was with the Federalist Party. While Washington was guarded in what he said about Jefferson the Democratic Republican leader took to criticizing Washington himself or through surrogates. The “Father of America” was being fiercely attacked. God was saddened,

After Washington died a visitor to Mount Vernon the Rev Manasseh Cutler wrote of his widow Martha that “She spoke of the election of Mr. Jefferson, whom she considered as one of the most detestable of mankind, as the greatest misfortune our country had ever experienced.”

God winced when he heard Martha Washington’s outburst against Jefferson. He thought to himself that the things that were said between parties and politicians were bad enough but when the ladies joined in, things were very bad.

One day God chanced to meet Peter as he stood on duty at the Gates of Heaven. Peter looked concerned about something, and God said to Peter. “What is bothering you?” Peter replied, “My Lord it’s a wonder that so many American politicians go to Washington, average middle class men and women. Then when they retire or the people retire them, they leave wealthy. It’s just not right.” God smiled and replied, “I agree Peter. Perhaps after that incident in the “Garden” when they saw their nakedness and started clothing themselves, I should have ruled out pockets that could be stuffed with money.”

When God was gone Peter had a thought that sent a shiver through his body and he thought, “I hope that politicians never discover polls or fund raising. What a mess that would create.”

Thomas Kirkpatrick Sr. is a Silver Creek resident. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com