How would you like a new health issue to worry about? Here in America, there’s usually something new in the medical field to plague us daily. If it’s not a disease, it’ll be a new drug to try with a side effect like, ” if your right leg falls off, discontinue immediately and call your doctor.”

Since you said yes to my question, here’s your new health concern; it’s called coulrophobia. Many people have it and they don’t even know it, until now, as I do my public service. According to the journal, Frontiers of Psychology, 5% of Americans suffer from a FEAR OF CLOWNS. That’s coulrophobia.

I don’t know if I have it or not. I have never been in the presence of a clown or clowns. I’ve been to the U.S. Capitol building but congress wasn’t in session. (That was too easy, wasn’t it? I apologize. You probably saw that coming from miles away). There have to be hundreds of them walking the floors of D.C. The biggest clown in Washington is————-. You fill in the blank.

The term coultrophobia has a Greek origin coming from the word for “stilt.” I guess Greek clowns used stilts where our clowns use words, although the D.C. clowns do walk around thinking they’re above everybody else.

The biggest clown of all may be Professor Philip John Tyson of the University of South Wales. He’s the expert who gets paid thousands of pounds or euros to study the fear of clowns.

One of the reasons why the good professor says we are creeped out by clowns is the mystery they present. You never know what they’re thinking. I beg to differ. Yes we do know what many of them are thinking, ” how can I make buck out of this deal?” “How can I peddle influence and make it look like I care for the American people?”

Professor Tyson also suggests that we fear clowns because many have a painted-on smile. That smile can be so effective that it can even lead to a position that is one heartbeat away from being a President. How’s that for scary?

Another reason for fear of clowns is that they are unpredictable. Hogwash. Just follow the money.

I think the only clown I had any relationship with was Clarabell of the Howdy Doody Show. He was kind of a prankster with a horn for honking yes or no. He was not one for a brilliant conversation which could have led him to a high official office in the 21 century. Clarabell would communicate without talking and the kids loved him. If he liked something he would honk is horn in a way that you knew he was pleased. He carried around a seltzer bottle that he would spray on deserving culprits who displeased him. Too bad we can’t practice that in the Mideast and at Fredonia municipal meetings.

The guy on Howdy Doody who I seriously disliked was Phineas T. Bluster. Now there’s a marionette that deserved to have his strings cut. He was the Mayor of Doodyville, and how he ever got elected is a mystery. He was a scoundrel who was constantly creating mayhem.

As a matter a fact, he would fit right in with today’s D. C. swamp creatures.

Flubadub was a hybrid of several animals and definitely a product of the pharmaceutical industry before his time. He would be a perfect fit today as the mascot of the CDC.

Finally, opposed to clowns and a nasty mayor was the friendly presence of Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. No doubt she was there to stir all the burgeoning hormones of young men and allow a 10 year-old boy to forget about scary stuff and just dream.

Nin Privitera, former Fredonia resident, now resides in Franklin, Tenn. Send comments to editorial@observertoday.com